From Heartbreak to Gratitude

There is something to be said for heartbreak.  Until I experienced it for myself, I had no idea how horrible it really is.  I had no idea how painful it can be and how much it can destroy your very foundation. 

My heartbreak was at the hands of the first man I ever loved.  We were together for over five years and I thought I was going to marry him.  This did not happen.  I had never known betrayal until our end, and I certainly never could have imagined it would yield such doubt and sorrow.

Grief was never anything I welcomed or allowed in my life.  When our end came, I knew that I had to feel this hurt.  It was going to be completely vital for me to acknowledge and feel every ounce of pain in order to heal – and so I did.  My once cool and collected self became a puddle of tears.  I cried every day for months.  Then I cried a few days a week for a few more months. Eventually I cried once a week, once a month, and then only rarely.  I was grateful not to have tear soaked pillows every night, but I was completely withdrawn from my old joys of life.  I had to take a step back and reevaluated my life and the choices I had made that brought me to that point.

Yes, I blamed him for what happened, but things are never one sided.  I had overlooked things in our relationship and in him. For this reason, I blamed me too.  I no longer trusted myself as a good judge of character.  Learning to forgive myself and trust myself again was going to be paramount on my journey.  I decided I needed to take all of my life plans and put them on hold.  Before I would be able to wholeheartedly pursue the career, house and family I wanted, I needed to fully heal. Not only did I need to heal, but I needed to have joy in my days and in my heart.  I needed a genuine smile, big belly laughs, and a healthy mind and body.

One at a time, I pursued these things.  I moved to a part of town I preferred. Check! My boss was adding too much stress for me to heal, so I found a new job.  While it was less money, the peaceful work environment was priceless. Check!  I lost 20 pounds. Check! I felt stagnant in my activities and habits, so I said YES to new things and hung out with as many new people as I could. I took a trapeze class. I took a sushi making class. I learned to do Yoga. I started to sing again. I started to write. I worked out more. I’ve always been healthy, but I made it a top priority and really started to listen to my body. Wow… Check! Check! Check!  I started to feel happy – really happy. I realized that the house I wanted, the man I wanted to marry and the children I wanted to have was all part of a lovely plan – but I wanted more. 

So here I am today. I have found forgiveness for my Ex and for myself.  In fact, I often catch myself spilling tears over the amount of joy and love in my heart.  I am in awe at the love I have for myself, the people in my life and this amazing journey we are all on.  The plan now, which I am actively pursuing, is to be present.  I vow to continually try new things and live in the moment as much as possible.  I am open to love, travel and career possibilities.  I will never again try and force a life I want. Being present, I enjoy each moment and happily accept the gifts that Life gives me. I would never be where I am now if I hadn’t been wounded so badly.  My broken heart led me on a journey to finding true love, within.  I will be forever grateful for the lessons I have learned.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S. Here is the audio version if you would prefer to hear my actual voice.

14 Comments Add yours

  1. Brianna says:

    Well spoken my dear. By diving into these painful heartbreaks headfirst we are able to feel the growth and reflect upon the change. They are valuable. They are real. They are all part of the human experience that we are so lucky to breathe day in and day out. Heartbreak can be in various forms and cause an upheaval in emotions and our lives. It’s being present like you said that allows us to focus on what we can change to make our growth as comfortable and valuable as possible.

    1. Erin Terese says:

      You wrote: “It’s being present like you said that allows us to focus on what we can change to make our growth as comfortable and valuable as possible”.

      Very true indeed. Hear, hear!!

      Thank you for your response! xo

  2. sneenlantern says:

    that was a beautiful blog.

    Did you say “trapeze class?” Holy crap. 🙂

    1. Erin Terese says:

      Thank you. And yes, I did say Trapeze Class! It was pretty scary… Cool, but much harder than I expected.

      Thank you for your follow and comment. xo

  3. Jonathan E says:

    I truly envy you. I lost my wife May 10. She was 36 and it was very sudden. She was in incredible shape and was actually jogging with my now 21 month old son when she collapsed. I had been away at a rehabilitation facility for chronic pain management. It was my 80th day out of 90 bring out of state, away from both loves of my life when I got that horrifying call. I truly envy you. I just turned 31 a few days ago and I feel like my progression in the grieving goes backwards every day. Over 4 mos and I still think I’m in a dream. I commend you. You inspire me.

    1. Erin Terese says:

      Jonathan, my heart goes out to you. While our heartbreak came from very different circumstances, pain is pain. It affects everyone differently. People will heal in their own time and it is not a thing to be rushed. You can expect that people will want you to move on more quickly than your heart allows – don’t let that deter you. I can only imagine the struggle you have of trying to be strong for your young daughter, while your heart is breaking, mind is screaming and feel like you are spinning. This is why taking the time to heal properly is so important. If you rush through it, you will only mask your feelings and offer a disingenuous version of you. Work through it. Eventually, you will be able to let go – let go of your anger, your guilt and your sorrow. You will be happy again. You will love again. The sun will shine and you will feel it. Just allow yourself to grieve. And when you truly tired of being sad and you are ready to put memories to rest and step forward in to your bright, shining, glorious future, you will. Until then, take care of you. And remember to breathe. Deep breaths. ~sending love and hugs your way~ xo

  4. Sadly,

    “There is something to be said for heartbreak. Until I experienced it for myself, I had no idea how horrible it really is. I had no idea how painful it can be and how much it can destroy your very foundation. ”

    That was one of the truest paragraphs I have ever read.

    It does get better. It is like back surgery, it takes longer to heal than anyone can tell you. Except for the very privileged few. And it never seems to completely heal.

    your

    ghost.

    1. Erin Terese says:

      “It does get better. It is like back surgery, it takes longer to heal than anyone can tell you. Except for the very privileged few. And it never seems to completely heal.”

      Your comment is very true. The privileged few. Some heal perfectly, some heal a little bit off (causing constant aches and pains) and some heal in a way that leaves a subtle reminder of what happened – a slight limp or scar that causes little pain, but serves as reminder of how far we have come.

      Personally, I am grateful for the chance to learn such lessons. I find it to be very humbling.

      xo

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