There is something to be said for heartbreak. Until I experienced it for myself, I had no idea how horrible it really is. I had no idea how painful it can be and how much it can destroy your very foundation.
My heartbreak was at the hands of the first man I ever loved. We were together for over five years and I thought I was going to marry him. This did not happen. I had never known betrayal until our end, and I certainly never could have imagined it would yield such doubt and sorrow.
Grief was never anything I welcomed or allowed in my life. When our end came, I knew that I had to feel this hurt. It was going to be completely vital for me to acknowledge and feel every ounce of pain in order to heal – and so I did. My once cool and collected self became a puddle of tears. I cried every day for months. Then I cried a few days a week for a few more months. Eventually I cried once a week, once a month, and then only rarely. I was grateful not to have tear soaked pillows every night, but I was completely withdrawn from my old joys of life. I had to take a step back and reevaluated my life and the choices I had made that brought me to that point.
Yes, I blamed him for what happened, but things are never one sided. I had overlooked things in our relationship and in him. For this reason, I blamed me too. I no longer trusted myself as a good judge of character. Learning to forgive myself and trust myself again was going to be paramount on my journey. I decided I needed to take all of my life plans and put them on hold. Before I would be able to wholeheartedly pursue the career, house and family I wanted, I needed to fully heal. Not only did I need to heal, but I needed to have joy in my days and in my heart. I needed a genuine smile, big belly laughs, and a healthy mind and body.
One at a time, I pursued these things. I moved to a part of town I preferred. Check! My boss was adding too much stress for me to heal, so I found a new job. While it was less money, the peaceful work environment was priceless. Check! I lost 20 pounds. Check! I felt stagnant in my activities and habits, so I said YES to new things and hung out with as many new people as I could. I took a trapeze class. I took a sushi making class. I learned to do Yoga. I started to sing again. I started to write. I worked out more. I’ve always been healthy, but I made it a top priority and really started to listen to my body. Wow… Check! Check! Check! I started to feel happy – really happy. I realized that the house I wanted, the man I wanted to marry and the children I wanted to have was all part of a lovely plan – but I wanted more.
So here I am today. I have found forgiveness for my Ex and for myself. In fact, I often catch myself spilling tears over the amount of joy and love in my heart. I am in awe at the love I have for myself, the people in my life and this amazing journey we are all on. The plan now, which I am actively pursuing, is to be present. I vow to continually try new things and live in the moment as much as possible. I am open to love, travel and career possibilities. I will never again try and force a life I want. Being present, I enjoy each moment and happily accept the gifts that Life gives me. I would never be where I am now if I hadn’t been wounded so badly. My broken heart led me on a journey to finding true love, within. I will be forever grateful for the lessons I have learned.
P.S. Here is the audio version if you would prefer to hear my actual voice.