From Heartbreak to Gratitude

Posted on by
14

There is something to be said for heartbreak.  Until I experienced it for myself, I had no idea how horrible it really is.  I had no idea how painful it can be and how much it can destroy your very foundation. 

My heartbreak was at the hands of the first man I ever loved.  We were together for over five years and I thought I was going to marry him.  This did not happen.  I had never known betrayal until our end, and I certainly never could have imagined it would yield such doubt and sorrow.

Grief was never anything I welcomed or allowed in my life.  When our end came, I knew that I had to feel this hurt.  It was going to be completely vital for me to acknowledge and feel every ounce of pain in order to heal – and so I did.  My once cool and collected self became a puddle of tears.  I cried every day for months.  Then I cried a few days a week for a few more months. Eventually I cried once a week, once a month, and then only rarely.  I was grateful not to have tear soaked pillows every night, but I was completely withdrawn from my old joys of life.  I had to take a step back and reevaluated my life and the choices I had made that brought me to that point.

Yes, I blamed him for what happened, but things are never one sided.  I had overlooked things in our relationship and in him. For this reason, I blamed me too.  I no longer trusted myself as a good judge of character.  Learning to forgive myself and trust myself again was going to be paramount on my journey.  I decided I needed to take all of my life plans and put them on hold.  Before I would be able to wholeheartedly pursue the career, house and family I wanted, I needed to fully heal. Not only did I need to heal, but I needed to have joy in my days and in my heart.  I needed a genuine smile, big belly laughs, and a healthy mind and body.

One at a time, I pursued these things.  I moved to a part of town I preferred. Check! My boss was adding too much stress for me to heal, so I found a new job.  While it was less money, the peaceful work environment was priceless. Check!  I lost 20 pounds. Check! I felt stagnant in my activities and habits, so I said YES to new things and hung out with as many new people as I could. I took a trapeze class. I took a sushi making class. I learned to do Yoga. I started to sing again. I started to write. I worked out more. I’ve always been healthy, but I made it a top priority and really started to listen to my body. Wow… Check! Check! Check!  I started to feel happy – really happy. I realized that the house I wanted, the man I wanted to marry and the children I wanted to have was all part of a lovely plan – but I wanted more. 

So here I am today. I have found forgiveness for my Ex and for myself.  In fact, I often catch myself spilling tears over the amount of joy and love in my heart.  I am in awe at the love I have for myself, the people in my life and this amazing journey we are all on.  The plan now, which I am actively pursuing, is to be present.  I vow to continually try new things and live in the moment as much as possible.  I am open to love, travel and career possibilities.  I will never again try and force a life I want. Being present, I enjoy each moment and happily accept the gifts that Life gives me. I would never be where I am now if I hadn’t been wounded so badly.  My broken heart led me on a journey to finding true love, within.  I will be forever grateful for the lessons I have learned.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S. Here is the audio version if you would prefer to hear my actual voice.

Lessons in Friendship

Posted on by
4

Friendship has never been a simple topic for me. In my adolescent years it couldn’t have been more confusing.  As much as I yearned to be an average girl or even an average kid for my age, I never was.  I was spinning within the confines of my mind trying to make sense of the world around me.

Luckily, my parents were wonderful.  Extremely open-minded and kind, they allowed me to experience the world in her best shades.  They never pressured me to be anything but happy. They encouraged me to think independently.  My opinion was nearly always asked. It was always considered and their decision explained.  I rarely felt slighted or undervalued. I felt loved.

Having such a solid family foundation, it was difficult to relate to children who were mostly judgmental, spoke frivolously and were extremely concerned with impressing others.  Eventually I caved and began to fit the mold.  I had grown tired of standing out and not having close friends.  I made the effort to make friends, and it worked.  I listened to how they spoke, how they acted, dressed and I emulated them.  I faked it until it became my reality.  The real me was always there, but with a pretty little facade I had so carefully crafted to cover my true identity.

For most of my preteen, teenage and young adulthood I shied away from sharing my deepest thoughts.  I only allowed a select few to hear the inner ramblings of my untamed soul and shadows of my mind. Everyone else was happy to know the filtered me.  The one presented to them on a platter of trained responses and stifled thoughts.

Eventually I grew tired and began to speak my truth – to gradually show my many shades to the large group of friends I had obtained.  I distanced myself from the ones that were inhibiting my growth and shared myself more with the ones I had always connected more deeply with.  Surprisingly, my thoughts were welcomed with open arms.  Well, not always, but the majority of the time.  Being the most honest and pure form of myself has brought me such great joy and an amazing sense of connectedness to the people with whom I have chosen to share myself with.

I now find friends everywhere I go. What, may you ask, do I consider a friend?  Someone who is honest.  Someone who tells you how they feel.  Offers an ear to bend, a shoulder to lean on and advice when asked.  Someone who helps you because they want to see you succeed, not because they will benefit from it. Someone who accepts you and loves you for your unique and quirky self. I offer this freely now.  Those that appreciate and reciprocate are like family to me.  I have so many amazing friends and the list is growing.  They fill my heart, enrich my soul and hold my hand from miles away.

I am so thankful for the friends in my life – family included.  The honesty we share binds us.  While it is sometimes a struggle and I fear for the response to my honesty, it really is best.  When it comes from a pure place of love and compassion, the receiver will know it.  Being vulnerable is where it’s at!  Vulnerability is not a weakness – it’s a strength.

Thank you to all my compassionate, thoughtful, passionate and vulnerable friends.  You make my days brighter. I love you.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

So here it goes…

Posted on by
Reply

As I sit here and try to think of a clever Mission Statement, Statement of Purpose or Grand Master Plan for this ErinTerese site, my mind draws a blank.  I would love to tell you that I have a clear plan. Oh crap, who am I kidding?  I’d love to tell me I have a clear plan!  The plain and simple truth is that there is no Master Plan. No finite Mission Statement for my intent. But I have a longing in my soul. An energy and drive that pulses from the tips of my toes, through my fingers, circling around my eyes and ears and flowing through my mind.

I feel the desire to share my thoughts and feelings with you, my reader. Even though I don’t know who you are yet, I want to know you.  I want to hear your stories and learn from you.  I want you to hear my stories and tell me what you’ve learned.  Life, for me, is all about stories.  Life stories.  Stories from your childhood.  Stories from yesterday.  Stories you’d like to write for yourself.  Hearing other people speak, reading other people’s words and watching people from afar, is what gives me passion and purpose.  I know myself better, when I know others better. I understand the world more clearly, when I understand others more clearly.  The more I can relate to you, dear reader, the more I can relate to the world and the closer I am to finding “it” – whatever “it” may be.

I have no idea where this journey will take me…  Where this journey will take us.  But please come with me.  I would like you to read my work and comment, share and give me your feedback.  Send me your favorite blogs, links and videos. Let’s go on this journey together and try and find the “it” we have been looking for – assuming you haven’t found “it” yet.  If you have, that is awesome!  Please share.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese