Thursday, November 22, 2018
Once upon a time, not very long ago, a rogue puffin was spotted on the east coast of England, in the county of Norfolk. This may not sound very exciting to your average person, but to me, learning this was like finding out Big Foot had just moved in down the hall and was going to be my new neighbor.
I adore puffins. Something about them feels magical to me. Shaped like a penguin, but smaller and more colorful, these beautiful creatures bring a smile to my face every time I see one. Seeing one in the wild has become a bit of a bucket-list item for me. So to arrive in Sheringham and hear that one was seen not far from here just a few months ago, made my heart skip with delight. Far from home and away from its family, this puffin made its way to Norfolk. It wasn’t supposed to here. It went rogue. Clearly, we are kindred spirits.
It’s Thanksgiving and I’m thousands of miles away from my family and friends. Needing time to write and reflect, I booked a two week vacation in England. Much like this rogue puffin, I’m not supposed to be here. I should be back in the US with loved ones, over-indulging on high calorie food and counting my blessings. But here I am, on the east coast of England, eating fish and chips and indulging in the gluttony of time-spent-alone.
In a world that moves so fast you can barely remember which version of the iPhone is the newest, taking time to yourself is the ultimate luxury – a betrayal to our role as women. A woman my age should be married with kids, struggling to pay the mortgage and trying the newest fad diet to lose weight. A woman my age should be recently divorced and worried she might never marry again. A woman my age should be wondering if it’s too late to run away and start over as she sits in the waiting room of yet another job interview, in a field of work she hates. A woman my age should be devastated that she’s single or angry that having children and a family isn’t working out like she planned. A woman my age should have it all figured out and be happy. That’s a lot of shoulds.
One thing that’s true in all of those statements, in all of those shoulds, is that women (this goes for men too) are not supposed to slow down and evaluate our lives. We should be this and we should be that, but we are never taught that what we really need to do is slow down and breathe. Slow down and take stock. Slow down and get to know ourselves and figure out if all the shoulds in our life align with what it is we really want for ourselves. Who is deciding the shoulds? Is it us or is it them? And if it’s “them,” who gave them the right?
I’m 35 years old and for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m starting to really understand myself.
The majority of my life I’ve felt like a fraud. A failed version of who I’m supposed to be. Not really sure who I’m meant to be, I’ve gone from one situation to the next, trying to figure it out. It’s only now that I’m starting to get at the truth: I’m not supposed to be a certain way. I’m supposed to design my one life to the best of my ability, and squeeze every ounce of joy, pain, loss, and gratitude from each new experience. I’m meant to feel.
That’s all for now. To be continued… Part 2.
P.S. Each part in this series is written by whim, not necessarily in chronological order or any order for that matter. Enjoy!