Tag Archives: be present

Reconciling the Past, Present and Future Self

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The journey of life sure is an interesting one, packed with twists and turns, flips, back flips, and quite a few head-spins.  One of the things I find most interesting is how much we change, how frequently we change, and how difficult is seems to reconcile the many versions of ourselves.  Maybe some of you fit in a pretty little box that never changes, but I am more like a hermit crab constantly finding a new shell.  I am Fifty Shades of Erin.

hermit crab

There are things in my past I would never want to repeat and things that I am not proud of; but I do know that every little thing has shaped me into who I am today, and because of that I wouldn’t change a step.  Where I am now is a result of all of those things. Every last one. All of the people that I helped and people that I hurt.  All of the things I learned and trouble I made.  All of the people I kissed and the ones that I dissed. All of the people that harmed me and all of the people that helped me. Yup, every choice and moment has led me here.

It’s honestly amazing to me, how that young girl has become the woman I am today.  It’s amazing how her outlook has changed.

How she was once glass half full, then glass half empty, and back to glass half full. How she trusted in the good in people, felt everyone had an agenda, thought the world might end, that there was a master conspiracy, and that love heals all.  How she thought she wanted to be a photographic journalist, an economist, a financial planner, a business owner, a writer. How she wanted to be married with children, single and in the city, how she just wanted to be happy.  How she cared about others first, thinking that was selfless, only to learn she must care for herself first before she can properly care for others.  How she thought being a good friend was making others happy and later learned it’s about being authentic.

As you change, some friendships and relationships deepen and others fall by the wayside.  Some go quietly and some go with a fight. Some jobs change and other times you change your job. With all of the people that have come and gone, houses I have moved into and out of, jobs that have given me a paycheck and those that I have given my two weeks notice to, there is one resounding similarity: I could never have planned or predicted the change. At least not in the beginning.

While I am learning to accept the past and to be grateful for everything that has lead me to this moment, so too am I learning to invest less into what I think my future should hold or should be.  It will be what it will be.  What matters most is this moment.  Who I am now and who I am creating myself to be. This current version of Erin is no longer making life decisions based upon past circumstances or the things she envisions for her future, but rather from who she is today and how she would like the future to feel.

She would like the future to feel very much like it is today: filled with love, passion and purpose.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S.  This reflection comes one week before my 30th birthday.  This new decade seems to have my mind doing a review of the Shades… If you have any comments or feedback, please share!  xo

11:11

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I awoke this morning from a very heavy sleep, one in which dreaming was done and the kind you know was purposeful.  I did a quick scan to recall all my dreams, but none that came up seemed of dire importance.  I reached for my iPhone to check the time and it was 11:11 AM – this sat with me.  I had been sent a message and somehow it was tied to this 11:11 AM message.  This moment was intense and I really felt a sense of purpose and calling.  Then I lay may head back down and slept for another half hour, unable to recall my dreams upon waking (which is unusual for me).  I am the kind of person that remembers their dreams every day.  Not always in great detail, but every day I remember my dreams and have been able to recall as many as five per night.

11:11

Once fully awake for the day, I hopped on my iPhone, head on pillow, and began my search for the meaning of waking upon 11:11. I was slightly saddened that I was unable to naturally receive what this message was, so I thought “I’ll just use my typical internet tools and savvy to unlock this mystery”.  What happened next was nothing new – a series of articles and blog posts came to the forefront.  Many resonating.  Many not.  But I have found that each time I stop and listen to these small little ques, I do find something that awakens my memory and tugs at my heart strings.  Then I stumbled upon an article that felt as if it were written for me.  As if the author was part of me and writing specifically with the intent I should find it.  Tears began to stream from my eyes in a beautiful flow of recognition, forgiveness, understanding and release.  To further indulge the contents of the article is neither here nor there.  What is important is to listen to that calling.  To give in to the moment that causes you to pause.  To listen to what is being asked of you.  To heed the call.  To follow your light and passion and all that comes with it.  To embrace life in all its various forms, both know and unknown.

Upon reading the article and shedding some tears of release, it was as if a weight was lifted from my back that I never knew was there.  The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotions and I had needed that moment.  That message. That time to allow life to happen and to flow in the current with it.

My message is this:  Listen to the cues.  Heed the call.  Follow the signs. Be present.

The more I learn this, follow this, and believe this to be true, life happens to unfold in the most surprising and truly beautiful of ways.

Please, take a moment to listen today. What is the universe telling you?

Yours truly,

Erin Terese