I struggle with when to stay and when to walk away in romantic relationships, friendships and even in my career. This is a sensitive subject for me. In order to discuss this and have any kind of opinion on the matter, I am going to be vulnerable and air my dirty laundry for all to read. I don’t like this.
So here it goes…
I don’t think I really noticed how wounded I was until I started writing this blog. I didn’t fully understand how strongly I hold my loved ones in my grasp. I didn’t realize that some I would fight for endlessly and others I would let slip away as if they had meant nothing to me. To the outsider, it may seem haphazard – but there is surely a rhyme and definitely a reason.
The thing is, it is the same thing every time. I will fight to save and help and encourage the people in my life. To no end. When they call, I am there. Even if it has been years, my heart beats for my loved ones. I truly carry their heart in my heart. This is true until this one thing happens. Until I think that I might be left. If I fear that I may be at fault, have done any wrong and that I might be abandoned, I leave. I rewrite what has happened in my head and make it seem as if it was my choice to be drama free – when really I was guarding my heart. And wounding it further along the way.
Same story, different boyfriend, lover, friend – every time. Avoid, Rinse, Repeat.
And yes, some of those relationships are better left where they lay. It was a blessing. But some could have been nurtured. Some I could have taken the time to reach out again and listen with a patient heart. I could have asked to hear what I had done, if anything, that lead to the growing canyon between us. But my standard response was to speculate and write the story in my head. As if I knew. As if there was anyway I could really have known what happened.
My cowardice in confrontation has left me with lost friendships and lovers that perhaps could have been life-long friends or loves of my life, had I not been so fearful of their judgment. Had my insecurities and childhood wounds not left me so fearful of being brokenhearted. And on the flip-side, I may not have even been their friend or lover had I not been seeking their approval in the first place. Knowing this is a trip.
What I have learned from all of my writing, the endless hours dissecting my thoughts, and countless hours learning to quite my mind, is the truth. The essence of me. (And I know many of you are going to relate to this) I have a large heart. A big one. I could fill a football stadium with my loved ones. I would fly around the world and scale the highest mountain to help any one of those dear ones. But have I always given myself that same amount of love and dedication? Sadly, I have not. Not until now.
Now I am going to fight to save and help and encourage myself in this life. This means that I will lean into the discomfort of conversations to find the truth. I will no longer walk away when things get scary, I will stay and talk them through and hug everyone on the way out – whether it is for the last time or if I will see them bright and early the next morning.
I am giving up on the idea of never. The idea that you have to even walk away. It doesn’t have to be a forever goodbye, slam the door in your face and never hear from you again. It can be a “So long my friend, I wish you the best. I love you. Until will meet again”. Because guess what? Life is short. It is crazy. There are twists and turns and chapters we can never imagine. Leading characters may fade into the back, and supporting characters may swoop in and save the day.
You never know.
To assume and wonder and speculate does no one any good. Ask for your answer. Hear it with an open heart. If you do not get an answer, then do your best to release it and bless it on the way out – “until we meet again”. Or at least that is my plan. Instead of “Avoid, Rinse, Repeat” it is “Love, Nurture, Forgive”.
Miss Erin Terese