Tag Archives: marriage

This Thing We Do

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There’s this thing we do.  Not all people.  Not just men or just women, but many people and most at some point in their life.  We fight.  We stay.  Long after tears were shed and words exchanged and locks turned on doors.  Long after blame was placed and punishment doled and we shatter to the floor.

This is true for romantic relationships, friendships and family alike.

We were brought up on the idea that you never give up.  You always keep trying.  You find a way and you make it work.  We are so afraid of failing, that we fail to care for ourselves and we allow ourselves to fight for unhealthy relationships.  Because we want to win.  We want to make it right.  We want to “succeed”. To succeed in what?  Oh, yeah, to succeed in living a dream that we imagined as children. Because that’s what “good” people do…right?  They “make it work”.

bad relationship

But what does “working” mean? Where does our happiness lie? Do we feel it and breathe it and know we deserve it? DO WE?

What we were supposed to learn as children was how to compromise.  How to be patient.  How to listen and understand and support our partners/friends when they are down and out.  This does not mean we stand around and take verbal and physical and emotional abuse.  This does not mean we allow ourselves to be doormats and taken for granted.  That isn’t “making it work” – that is making you sick and wounding your heart.  And you deserve better.  We all do.

I don’t care what your disagreement is about.  If it’s about sex or drugs or money.  If it’s about the house or the dog or your mother-in-law.  About your boss or your ex or your dinner plans next week.  You can respectfully discuss these matters.  You can feel loved and supported and understood even if you don’t get your way.  You can know that the other person has your back and honors your opinion (even when they respectfully disagree).

That is winning and making it right.  That is success.  That is “making it work”.

I’m not saying to run away the first time a friend or lover or family member is harsh with you.  What I am saying is there is a way to approach and handle matters.  A way to work through conflict and miscommunication and times of troubles. A way to respectfully and lovingly manage the muck and curve balls that life throws at us.  We can do it together and be stronger than before.  But we must be respectful of one another and honor the people in our lives.

We must be respectful of ourselves and honor ourselves.  And we must ask ourselves when is it time to stay?  And when is it time to walk away?

Just a little food for thought.  Love and hugs.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S.  Okay, okay the picture is a little intense… But what else was fitting?  I tried.

I Vow To Hold You In My Heart

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Nothing is coincidence, I know this to be true. Each step and breath and instinct, has lead me straight to you. Already we have grown and changed, and loved and learned and saw. The greatest moments we create, when no effort is placed at all. Within your arms I build my home, and there I will reside. And should I ever lose my way, your eyes will be my guide. On this great day and each to come, I vow, my dear, to you. To love and cherish everything, that flows through all you do. I choose you as my friend and partner, lover, constant guide. I vow to hold you in my heart and to these truths abide.

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marriage vow

*This was written for a very dear friend of mine. May she have a lovely wedding and a lifetime of love.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

Why am I thankful? Let me tell you.

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Last week I gathered with seven of my girlfriends for a lovely Vegan Thanksgiving Dinner.  We have been having meatless dinners every two weeks for the past five months and creating delicious meals that feed our bodies, nourish our souls, and we also happen to have fabulous conversation and wine to wash it all down.  When we first began to meet, we crafted our shared mission, laid out our guidelines and thus began our journey. The thing about journeys, as we have all learned, is that there is so much that is unplanned.  And there in the life and the ish and the serendipity lies the magic.

Thanksgiving is not a Holiday that I normally feel very strongly about.  By now we know that Christopher Columbus was not a very good man and that what was done to the Native Americans was cruel and wrong on so many levels. But we Americans continue to celebrate regardless.  Hopefully most people embrace this holiday as a chance to reflect on what they are thankful for, what makes them grateful and then share these feelings with close friends and family.  I’m not sure about most families, but mine doesn’t typically reflect aloud (although I don’t believe I have ever initiated or suggested that we do). I simply take a moment and say my thanks within my mind, and maybe send a few thankful texts and a Facebook shout out.

During our Vegan Thanksgiving Dinner, my amazing friend Kat mentioned that we forgot to say our thanks.  Wait, people actually do that?  The idea excited me, but I was immediately struck with the thought Oh, crap!  Now I need to think of something quick.  How do you say on the spot what you are thankful for?  Luckily I was second to last, so I had a little time to formulate my answer.  As my friends began to speak, I couldn’t help but to hang on their every word and was completely moved by their answers. Thanks was given for friendship while husbands were away on military leave.  For friendship during breakups and makeups and hard times. For nieces and nephews.  For making new friends, having a safe place to speak and empathetic ears to bend.  For new jobs and traveling adventures. For fertility treatment and twins on the way.  For health and success in business.

While my friends were speaking, I was hit with my answer: I am thankful to be living now, in this day and age.  As a 29 year old single female, I cannot tell you how glad I am to be living in this era.  As women in America, we have the freedom to live our lives as we choose.  Up until recently, women have had to abide by the the lifestyle laid out before them.  This usually consisted of marriage, a lot of babies and tending to the home.  In the last century, women in America have been making great strides.  We can be gay, straight, bisexual, single, married, divorced, educated, fit, overweight, employed, living on welfare, vote, travel, follow whichever religion we choose, pursue whatever career we like, have children, not have children, garden, have a personal chef.  We have the technology, the freedom and the education to play a hand in our fate. We are empowered.

I can choose the life I want and pursue it with little judgment.  Obviously there is judgment in the world, but there is more acceptance and tolerance than ever before.  There is someone in your corner now, cheering you on and propelling you forward.  A century ago, I would have been considered an old hag.  Too old to marry. An outcast.  Or most likely, I would have fallen in line with the steps of society: married, working in the home and having my fourth child. I am so grateful for the life I lead.  My friends and family accept me, I pursue every passion and idea that crosses my mind and strikes my fancy, and I express myself openly and share myself fully.  I know that for every person that judges me, there is someone else reaching out to give me a hug and thank me for being my authentic self.

I am thankful to be empowered.

I am thankful to be living now, in this day and age.

What are you thankful for?

 

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

Everything in Moderation

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When I look back at my childhood, there are certain phrases I remember hearing over and over again.  The one that rings most clearly in my mind is “everything in moderation”.  I cannot tell you how many times I heard this!  Every time I would ask for another serving of ice cream. Every time I wanted to watch just one more television program before bed. Every time I begged to stay longer at the park. “Everything in moderation, my dear” was the standard response. Humph!  What’s one more little scoop, one more sitcom or 30 more measly minutes at the park?

Thankfully as an adult, I understand that the line needs to be drawn somewhere.  There are only so many calories in a pound, so many hours to sleep, and so much free time in the day.  In order to accomplish all the tasks at hand and to keep a healthy mind and body, we must find the right balance and keep “everything in moderation”.  The problem here is, what is moderation?  How much is moderation?  The answer is: it varies from person to person.  This means we must be mindful in the choices we make. 

Finding and maintaining balance is an ongoing effort.  Life is constantly changing.  We have new jobs, new spouses, new houses, new debt, new friends, new stress and new health problems to balance.  Figuring out what is a perfect balance is no simple task.  Pay attention to how much time, money and energy you are expelling in each area. It may help to make a list of your top priorities. For example, mine are: 1) Family/Friends 2) Health & Fitness 3) Leisure Activities 4) Work and 5) Creative Outlet.

Once you have a clear idea of where your priorities lie, then you can look at your life and make an honest assessment of how well you balance those things.  You may find that you do an excellent job and are totally at peace with yourself.  Good for you!  But if you feel exhausted or stretched too thin, chances are you are putting more effort in to one of your priorities that doesn’t need it, and not enough in one of the others.  Balance.  Moderation is key.  If you can identify an area that is lacking your attention, make a shift and try to find the balance.  And by balance I do not mean equal amounts, I mean the right proportion.  Maybe you will only need to focus a small percentage of time and energy in one category and much more in another.

Just be honest with yourself and know that some days and weeks your balance will need to be adjusted.  Listen to your body, to your mind and to the world around you.  Take into consideration all you need and all you want.  Somewhere in there is your balance – your moderation.

Not everything we learn as children is correct.  In fact, much of it is not – but these words ring true: “Everything in moderation, my dear”.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese