Letting Go of Relationships Past

Everyone needs closure.  For some it comes in the form of a conversation, some in the form of silence and others by action.  Since I am a person who relies heavily on words, and feels their weight as if they were tangible, I need the conversation.  I need the explanation.  I need to hear that you don’t want me and why.  While it may seem cruel to say such things, for me it helps to let go.  Since most men rarely give such explanations, it takes me far longer to release them.  I do believe I am at a place in my journey where I am learning to release and let go far more easily, but this person was in my life before I learned to be centered and release.  Before I truly understood that all people are here to teach us lessons and that we should be thankful for our brief time with them and the lessons we learned.


Last week while I was sitting at my desk, typing away and letting my mind drift, one of my Exes popped into my mind. As if out of nowhere, I had the thought that even if he walked into my office, sat at my desk and explained that he realized he had made a mistake in letting me go and wanted to try again, I would say “No.”  For many months I had been trying to shake him.  Trying to let go of the attachment I had made to him and the idea that we might one day have a chance to try again.  And finally, he was gone.  I had finally released him and the idea of a maybe someday us. He was the last one I had been hanging on to and I cannot tell you how wonderful it feels to let go.

Letting Go

Honestly, it makes it hard to date when you constantly compare your date to an Ex.  It’s simply not fair and does more harm than good.


Now that I have officially let go of all of my Exes and feelings of “maybe someday” or that any were “the one that got away,” I can move forward and truly give people a chance.  A fair chance.  A chance to know me, sans baggage – without judgment or comparison.  Without hidden texts and lies of “we are just friends.”  Not that I was a cheater, but when you have lingering feelings for someone are they really just a friend? I don’t know what the appropriate term is, but it certainly isn’t friendly and it’s not fair to the person you are dating to hold on to someone like that.  You simply cannot give yourself fully when you are hanging on to the idea of someone else.


I often wondered if you could really and truly release all of your Exes without someone new to help push them out. And now I know you can.  Not only that, but it allows you the chance for a healthy relationship.  One that can start without the burns of relationships past and comparisons to what He would have said or what He would have done. 


I have already had a small taste of what life will be like now that I am no longer holding on to the idea of an Ex. This past weekend I went on a first date and was able to be fully present.  I was able to enjoy myself and my time with him without using any Ex as a barometer of how he measures up.  I was able to take our date for what it was and how he might fit into my life now – for who I am at this moment and what I am looking for now.  There is an ease to it. An excitement to it. An empowerment knowing that my choices are based solely upon who I am as a person and not based on feelings I’ve had in the past.


While I am still not sure exactly what it was that finally shook my Ex free and out of my thoughts, I am grateful he is gone.  That I can legitimately call him a friend and that I can offer myself as a fully present and healed partner to whomever I choose to date.


So the point of this post, I suppose, is to encourage you to shake your Ex free.  Let him/her go. Know that when you do, you will open yourself to a sense of freedom and the ability to be open and authentic with your future partner(s).  Whether you need to have that dreaded conversation or stop talking to them entirely or write them a letter and burn it – try to find your closure.  Because the thing about closure is that once one chapter closes, you make room for a new one to begin.

Yours Truly,

Erin Terese

Following Your Happy

I remember a time when it was difficult just to make it through the day.  When I would wake up, dreading the day ahead of me, barely able to put myself together and make it to work.  I’d be sitting at my desk, choking back tears and trying just to breathe through the moment.  Just to make it.  Trying not to fall to pieces and leap out of my skin. Not to crawl into a cave and hide away from the realty of the pain.  I remember those days.  I rarely think of them now, but I will always remember what it was like to live in that kind of existence.  The walls and loneliness and guilt and despair.  The hurt and anger, regret and disbelief.

I am so grateful those days are gone.

It’s almost hard to believe that was me.  That was my life.  That was my pain and my prison of emotion. I remember wondering and hoping and wishing I could break free and breathe easy again.  But never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would find this kind of peace and happiness in my life. That it was even possible to feel so content and so at ease in my own skin. To feel so loved and so supported and so fulfilled.  I never imagined that as a single woman turning 30 with an old beat-down car and shoes that need mending, I would feel so blessed.  That I would be able to see beauty in every day and every thing that crosses my path.  I never knew it could be like that.  I never knew that kind of love.

It began by wanting more.  Being sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  Not wanting to cry and feel defeated.  Wanting to feel happy.  Wanting to know what made me happy.  Wanting to know that happy was possible.  It began by following my happy.  That was my first step out. My first grasp at the light and a world that was more possible that not.  Following my happy.  It seems so simple really, and yet it was, for me, the biggest leap of faith.  How could following my happy really help?  Isn’t it self indulgent to chase after happiness?  Yes.  And what better than to indulge yourself in happiness.  What a beautiful act of self care and self love.

Yes, that is me skipping toward the water!

Yes, that is me skipping toward the water!

Instead of staying home and eating ice cream on the couch with a glass of red wine and a horror flick, I called a girlfriend and we went on a walk.  Or out for a glass of wine.  Or to see a band.  Or to a movie.  I started saying yes.  F$ck it, I had to try new things.  Maybe I would like it!  Maybe it would make me happy.  Maybe it would give me hope and inspiration and help me figure out what I wanted.  Maybe if I said yes and went to every concert and cooking class and drum circle.  If I went to every symphony and art opening and karaoke night.  If I just said yes when I was invited and pushed my comfort zone.  Maybe there was more beyond the walls I built for myself and safety net of friends and hobbies I had built.  And there was.  And so much more.

To write about it all would be a novel in and of itself.  But I can tell you one thing that is so incredibly true:  the state of peace and serenity I now live in all began by wanting more.  By making the choice to follow my happy.  To follow the laughter and the smiles and the things that make my heart dance.  To embrace those moments and seek them out. To cherish them, to share them and to hold them in my heart.  To make those moments the ones I carry with me forever.

How about you?  What has helped you live a life filled with passion and purpose?

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

The Amazingly Resilient Heart

He: Baby, I need to talk to you tomorrow night.  Can I come over after work?

Me: Whatever it is, just tell me now.

He: You aren’t going to like it.

Me: Okay, now you really need to tell me.  What’s going on?

He:  I don’t know what to do… I slept with this girl, she’s pregnant, and she’s keeping it. I really need you to be my friend right now.

Me: Wait. What? What are you talking about?  Hold on a sec, I need to pull my car over real quick…

Gasp. Sob. Scream.

In the month preceding this conversation, he had been asking me on an almost daily basis to marry him.  Baby, I can have a ring for you next week if you want one.  While I loved him greatly, deeply and what I now understand is an unhealthy amount, I was hesitant.  We had only been back together for a few months and I wanted to make sure that he had in fact changed, and that we were still a good fit.  Something was off though, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. As it turned out, what was “off” about our relationship was that he was unsure of my love for him and had been seeking comfort in between the legs of his neighbor.

With a shaky voice, he told me all about the other girl and the baby on the way.  Choking back tears, he begged for me to understand, to be his friend and to please stay with him.  Like fools we tried to make it work.  For two months we stayed together. I tried to forgive him, he tried to explain and together we discussed how this was going to work.  Would we get married and share custody?  Would we try for full custody?  Day in and day out, I sat by as he went to doctor visits with her and canceled our plans every time the phone rang with another one of her “emergency situations” – she was a bit of a drama queen and trouble maker.

Finally, my heart hit the wall and I could not stand any more pain.  Two months of fighting back tears at work, crying myself to sleep every night and living in a constant state of anxiety, almost broke me.  For the sake of my sanity and realizing that I deserved better, I gathered my strength and walked away.

His son turned four this week.

My biggest fear was that I would become bitter and build a wall around my heart.  What happened was the opposite.  Sure, I was bitter with a wall up for a while (a long while actually), but ultimately my heart healed itself into a bigger and stronger version.  I feel like I have the heart of a champion now.  I swear!  I constantly surprise myself with my ability to be vulnerable, open to love and simultaneously, open to rejection. What could have ruined me and made me a bitter old hag, has actually softened me and made me more compassionate.  I could have forever hid behind a wall or shield around my heart, but I long to feel loved again and have faith that I can heal again if I need.  I am not giving myself kudos here; I am simply stating that the heart is amazingly resilient.  That if you allow it time to heal, and really and truly want to move forward, you will – and you will be even stronger when you do.

Just a little reflection on where I am now versus were I was four years ago at this time: in a drunk puddle of hysterical tears.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S.  Yes, it got worse before it got better.  Read this.