I wished so greatly
To tell my dear
Everything he wanted to hear
Words came forth
Time stood still
What happened next
Against my will
Truth sang from my soul
Much to my surprise
He held my hand
With tear filled eyes
Thanking me deeply
Embracing me fully
Loving me sweetly
Accepting me wholly
Yours Truly,
Erin Terese
P.S. Thanks to Daily Prompt Challenge to write without 3 letter words.
“But, Mom…I don’t want to go to sleep” I shouted! Slowly I raised my head to meet her gaze and saw her eyes were brimming with tears. Although I was pulsing with energy and had no desire to sleep, my Catholic guilt kicked in and I could not bare to further exhaust my mother. I hung my head, turned my feet and shuffled down the long lonely hallway to my bedroom.
Ever so lightly, I pushed my bedroom door, causing it to swing open and reveal my haven – four eggshell walls with one hanging mirror and two large windows. A tall, wooden chest of drawers and small bookshelf held most of my worldly possessions – including my favorite teddy bear, teeny tiny animal figurines and rock collection. A soft powder blue comforter with small white and yellow flowers draped across my Queen size bed. It was much too large for a girl my age, but I was ever so grateful my Aunt gifted it to me when she moved. Since my family didn’t have much money, it was quite the luxury item.
Already dressed for bed and teeth brushed, I plopped down on my mattress, laid back and relaxed. Fluffing the pillow underneath my head, I stared at the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling and braced myself for what I knew would be hours before I’d be able to drift into dreamland.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
My warm brown eyes turned to the doorway where my beautiful mother stood. She walked over to my bed, leaned down and gave me a gentle kiss on the forehead. “Good night, sweet angel” she whispered and floated out of the room, closing the door behind her and extinguishing the light. “Good night, Mom!” I said loudly and wondered if she heard me.
Just then, a cool gentle breeze swept through the open window, caressing my face and bringing me back to the present moment. Falling asleep was never an easy task for me. I would much rather have been sitting on the couch, falling asleep to the glow of the TV than try and attempt this. My mind was active; I knew this to be true. No other children seemed to speak about this problem, so I assumed it was something only I dealt with. I hoped that I was not the only one, but I dared not risk embarrassing myself by asking a schoolmate.
My inner dialogue was intense and draining. I often tried to quiet my mind, but was unable.
Thoughts to myself: It must be so much easier as an adult! No one tells you what to do. No one questions your every move. No one discounts the value of your opinion. Being a kid is hard! I don’t feel like a young, naive child like the adults view me. While my parents claim to understand me, I know that they don’t really understand me. I know this because when I asked them if I could fly to Grandpa’s funeral in order to say goodbye, they firmly said “No”. I mean, I know that our family isn’t rich and that we cannot afford to send everyone, but I want to go. I need to go and say goodbye to him. I cried, and begged, and pleaded. But since I am a young girl that just barely learned to tie her shoes, they do not understand why it is necessary for me.
(And so begins the rambling dialogue in my mind)
My mind: WHY? Why is this? Why won’t they listen to me? Hello! Is anyone listening? God? An angel? Future self? A ghost? Someone please answer. I am so lost…
Whispers in the Night: Yes, I hear you, my darling. You have to forgive your parents, for they are just doing their best to care for you and your family.
My Mind: But if they really wanted to care for me and do what is best, wouldn’t they allow me to go and say goodbye? I shunned my grandfather the last time I saw him. My parents told me he was sick, so I refused to hug him. It was only later I learned I could not catch his illness. They promised me I could hug him the next time I saw him and that it would be okay. And now he is dead. Shouldn’t they understand that I need to tell him I’m sorry and say goodbye?
Whispers in the Night: I know that is how you would like them to react. They are your parents and you have been taught that they are there to take care of you and do what is best for you. My dear, you need to realize they were children just like you once. They make mistakes. They are not perfect. They do love you and you should not fault them for not understanding how important this is to you.
My Mind: But I am just so angry and hurt.
Whispers in the Night: That is part of the grieving process. It is completely natural to be hurting. Your parents, sister and the rest of your family are hurting too. Trust me, your grandfather knows you love him.
My Mind: Does he?
Whispers in the Night: Yes.
My Mind: Are you sure he knows?
Whispers in the Night: Yes, I am sure.
Thoughts to myself: Oh this is so infuriating! Who is this voice that is answering me? Okay, okay, so maybe my parents do make mistakes. But, hello! This is one of those mistakes! I swear I will not be this way as an adult. I will listen to my child and know that their opinion and the words they speak have value. When I am an adult, I will remember how smart I was as a child and just how angry it made me when people spoke down to me for being “just a kid”. Humph! How can they overlook my aching heart and ignore my well spoken plea? I wonder why they don’t understand me.
My Mind: Hello? Are you still there? Why don’t my parents know that I am smart?
Whispers in the Night: They know you are smart. They know you are kind. They just do not remember what it is like to be a child. They forget how confusing of a time it is and they are too wrapped up in their daily routines to take the time and remember.
My Mind: Oh. So what should I do?
Whispers in the Night: You should understand that your parents are human and make mistakes. You should forgive them, love them, and not hold every little thing you do not like against them. You should send a prayer to your grandfather and tell him goodbye; this will help you heal your heart. You may not see him or hear his voice, but know that he loves you.
My Mind: But can’t you help me find a way to convince them I need to go?
Whispers in the Night: I am sorry my dear, I cannot. You need to accept that you will not attend the funeral, and that it is okay you are not present. You can say goodbye from the privacy of your room and he will hear you just the same.
My Mind: Are you sure?
Whispers in the Night: Yes, I am sure.
My Mind: Thank you for helping me to understand. Are you God? Are you an Angel? Who are you?
Whispers in the Night: Sweet girl, it doesn’t matter who or what I am. I am here to help guide you. I will always be here for you.
My Mind: But how will I find you?
Whispers in the Night: You will find me the same way that you did tonight. Just quiet your mind, focus your question and ask. Then be silent and I will whisper to you. I am here now, and will always be here with you. Now go to sleep, my darling.
My Mind: Ok, I will try.
Thoughts to myself: I feel so much better! I cannot wait to be an adult. I wonder when I will find out who guided me tonight. I bet I will know when I am an adult. I think it was God. Well, maybe God’s voice sounded a little too much like my own. Mom always talks about guardian angels, maybe it was an angel? Dad loves science fiction, so maybe it was future me giving young me advice? That’d be cool! Wow, I sure can’t wait to be an adult so I can figure it all out. Adults have it so easy.
THE END
Yours truly,
Erin Terese
The Daily Post has issued a Weekly Writing Challenge to finish the sentence: “I wish I were”.
I have spent a lot of time learning to love and accept myself for all that I am and not to dwell on the things I wish I were. I have made the choice to change the things in my life that I wish were different, either by action or perception. But for the sake of the question, I will play along. Maybe I wish I were able to fly? Maybe I wish I were wealthy or a Nobel Peace Prize Winner? Yes, those things would be nice, but the answer does not satisfy me. In order to find the answer, I quieted my mind. Completely void of all thought, I posed the statement again. Ah, yes. My answer. My truth. My greatest wish.
I wish I were able to share the joy of loving yourself.
If someone had asked me five years ago if I loved myself, I would have rolled my eyes, answered “yes” and thought to myself what a ridiculous question that was. Of course I loved myself. Maybe someone with low self-esteem or battling depression would answer that they don’t love themself, but c’mon, the majority of us love ourselves. Don’t we?
Today I would argue there are many people that do not truly love themselves. Why do I believe that, you ask? Every time I hear someone tease or bully, I do not hear love, I hear fear. When I listen to someone boast at length why they are the best on their team, the smartest in their office or the most good-looking person at the beach, I do not hear love, I hear insecurity. When I hear people gossip or speak negatively of others and belittle other opinions, I do not hear love, I hear a plea to be accepted.
In my experience, realizing you truly love yourself is like the first time you have a serious crush, and you wonder if you are in love. You think you might be in love. You think you are. This has to be love, you assure yourself. Then one day, you really fall in love. Head over heels, shout it from the rooftop, make your head spin and your knees weak, love. And once you recognize that you are in fact in love with this person, you realize the time(s) you thought you were in love, you really weren’t. Yes, you loved and cared for the person, but you were not in love with them. This is love. Now that you know what being in love is, you can hardly believe you thought you were in love before.
When you are in love with someone, you want nothing more than for them to be happy. Their joy brings you joy. When they are sad, hurt, grief stricken or filled with sorrow, you would give your left arm for them to smile again. Their success is your success. You are willing to move cities, change jobs, cancel plans, quit smoking, lose weight, attain more education, all to make them happy. Their happiness is your happiness. This is love.
Here is a little food for thought. Are you willing to move cities, change jobs, cancel plans, quit smoking, lose weight, attain more education, in order to make yourself happy? Do you have faith in yourself? Do you believe you are worthy of love and all of the good things in your life? Do you believe you deserve to be treated well, with kindness, honesty and compassion? It took me years of self-reflection and working on myself to reach the point where I can say “yes” to all with complete confidence.
A few years ago, I decided to finally put myself first. I realized that the key to happiness could only be found within and that I needed to fully explore what that really meant. I removed all previous notions about what I thought I needed to be happy and started to pursue the people and activities that brought me happiness. During my period of self exploration (which is now ongoing) I learned a lot about myself, the need for forgiveness, the importance of acceptance and how to be patient. I learned to just be. I learned to exist in the moment and to be happy with who I am.
Years ago, I never would have been able to say out loud that I am proud of myself. Now, I can tell you that I love how kind and accepting I have become. I think it is wonderful that people can change and that I give them a second (and sometimes a third and fourth) chance. I think my sensitivity and vulnerability is beautiful and strong. I think it’s endearing how gullible I am – it means I am a believer. I love how open and resilient my heart is. I am grateful I see the world in all its many shades and revel in the beauty. I love that I enjoy spending time alone as well as making hoards of new friends. I love that I love me.
This love I have found for myself has taught me to be patient, kind and accepting. Loving myself makes me love the world more and all of the people, creatures and plants within it. I wake up alone every morning, feeling more loved than I ever could have imagined someone could feel on their own. I wish that everyone knew this kind of peace. This kind of joy.
I wish I were able to share the joy of loving yourself.
Yours truly,
Erin Terese
“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”
Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, 1600.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. How very true, this notion that it doesn’t matter what you call something; it only matters what it truly is. But do we all apply this in our everyday life?
Let’s say for example, we have a woman named Jane. Jane grew up in Ohio, has two loving parents, three siblings, is a widow with a four year old son, and is wickedly smart, funny and kind. She is a wonderful friend and the kind of person that would give her jacket to a shivering stranger. Now, what does Jane do for a living? Jane is a Politician. Jane is a Pediatric Nurse. Jane is a Preschool teacher. Jane is a Preacher. Jane is a Prostitute. Is Jane by any other name, still as sweet?
Think about that for a second.
Did you hesitate for a moment on any of those occupations? And if so, why?
People are complex. It can never be as simple and as black and white as you may like it to be. We all possess many character traits, attributes, strengths and weaknesses. What is important to remember, is that you should not discount someone or their character because of one thing. It is not black and white. One thing does not cancel out another.
Jane is wickedly smart, funny and kind. She is a wonderful friend and the kind of person that would give her jacket to a shivering stranger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am going to carry this thought with me today.
Yours truly,
Erin Terese
He: Baby, I need to talk to you tomorrow night. Can I come over after work?
Me: Whatever it is, just tell me now.
He: You aren’t going to like it.
Me: Okay, now you really need to tell me. What’s going on?
He: I don’t know what to do… I slept with this girl, she’s pregnant, and she’s keeping it. I really need you to be my friend right now.
Me: Wait. What? What are you talking about? Hold on a sec, I need to pull my car over real quick…
Gasp. Sob. Scream.
In the month preceding this conversation, he had been asking me on an almost daily basis to marry him. Baby, I can have a ring for you next week if you want one. While I loved him greatly, deeply and what I now understand is an unhealthy amount, I was hesitant. We had only been back together for a few months and I wanted to make sure that he had in fact changed, and that we were still a good fit. Something was off though, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. As it turned out, what was “off” about our relationship was that he was unsure of my love for him and had been seeking comfort in between the legs of his neighbor.
With a shaky voice, he told me all about the other girl and the baby on the way. Choking back tears, he begged for me to understand, to be his friend and to please stay with him. Like fools we tried to make it work. For two months we stayed together. I tried to forgive him, he tried to explain and together we discussed how this was going to work. Would we get married and share custody? Would we try for full custody? Day in and day out, I sat by as he went to doctor visits with her and canceled our plans every time the phone rang with another one of her “emergency situations” – she was a bit of a drama queen and trouble maker.
Finally, my heart hit the wall and I could not stand any more pain. Two months of fighting back tears at work, crying myself to sleep every night and living in a constant state of anxiety, almost broke me. For the sake of my sanity and realizing that I deserved better, I gathered my strength and walked away.
His son turned four this week.
My biggest fear was that I would become bitter and build a wall around my heart. What happened was the opposite. Sure, I was bitter with a wall up for a while (a long while actually), but ultimately my heart healed itself into a bigger and stronger version. I feel like I have the heart of a champion now. I swear! I constantly surprise myself with my ability to be vulnerable, open to love and simultaneously, open to rejection. What could have ruined me and made me a bitter old hag, has actually softened me and made me more compassionate. I could have forever hid behind a wall or shield around my heart, but I long to feel loved again and have faith that I can heal again if I need. I am not giving myself kudos here; I am simply stating that the heart is amazingly resilient. That if you allow it time to heal, and really and truly want to move forward, you will – and you will be even stronger when you do.
Just a little reflection on where I am now versus were I was four years ago at this time: in a drunk puddle of hysterical tears.
Yours truly,
Erin Terese
P.S. Yes, it got worse before it got better. Read this.
erin terese 