Everyone needs closure. For some it comes in the form of a conversation, some in the form of silence and others by action. Since I am a person who relies heavily on words, and feels their weight as if they were tangible, I need the conversation. I need the explanation. I need to hear that you don’t want me and why. While it may seem cruel to say such things, for me it helps to let go. Since most men rarely give such explanations, it takes me far longer to release them. I do believe I am at a place in my journey where I am learning to release and let go far more easily, but this person was in my life before I learned to be centered and release. Before I truly understood that all people are here to teach us lessons and that we should be thankful for our brief time with them and the lessons we learned.
Last week while I was sitting at my desk, typing away and letting my mind drift, one of my Exes popped into my mind. As if out of nowhere, I had the thought that even if he walked into my office, sat at my desk and explained that he realized he had made a mistake in letting me go and wanted to try again, I would say “No.” For many months I had been trying to shake him. Trying to let go of the attachment I had made to him and the idea that we might one day have a chance to try again. And finally, he was gone. I had finally released him and the idea of a maybe someday us. He was the last one I had been hanging on to and I cannot tell you how wonderful it feels to let go.
Honestly, it makes it hard to date when you constantly compare your date to an Ex. It’s simply not fair and does more harm than good.
Now that I have officially let go of all of my Exes and feelings of “maybe someday” or that any were “the one that got away,” I can move forward and truly give people a chance. A fair chance. A chance to know me, sans baggage – without judgment or comparison. Without hidden texts and lies of “we are just friends.” Not that I was a cheater, but when you have lingering feelings for someone are they really just a friend? I don’t know what the appropriate term is, but it certainly isn’t friendly and it’s not fair to the person you are dating to hold on to someone like that. You simply cannot give yourself fully when you are hanging on to the idea of someone else.
I often wondered if you could really and truly release all of your Exes without someone new to help push them out. And now I know you can. Not only that, but it allows you the chance for a healthy relationship. One that can start without the burns of relationships past and comparisons to what He would have said or what He would have done.
I have already had a small taste of what life will be like now that I am no longer holding on to the idea of an Ex. This past weekend I went on a first date and was able to be fully present. I was able to enjoy myself and my time with him without using any Ex as a barometer of how he measures up. I was able to take our date for what it was and how he might fit into my life now – for who I am at this moment and what I am looking for now. There is an ease to it. An excitement to it. An empowerment knowing that my choices are based solely upon who I am as a person and not based on feelings I’ve had in the past.
While I am still not sure exactly what it was that finally shook my Ex free and out of my thoughts, I am grateful he is gone. That I can legitimately call him a friend and that I can offer myself as a fully present and healed partner to whomever I choose to date.
So the point of this post, I suppose, is to encourage you to shake your Ex free. Let him/her go. Know that when you do, you will open yourself to a sense of freedom and the ability to be open and authentic with your future partner(s). Whether you need to have that dreaded conversation or stop talking to them entirely or write them a letter and burn it – try to find your closure. Because the thing about closure is that once one chapter closes, you make room for a new one to begin.
Yours Truly,
Erin Terese
erin terese 