Tag Archives: Spirituality

The Growing Process

Posted on by
Reply

How long has it been? Nine years?  Thirty-four years? Maybe a thousand glasses of wine, two thousand miles of coastal exploration and fifteen gallons of tears? Who knows.

However you choose to measure it, what’s most surprising to me is the cyclical nature of growth.

I’ve been analytical for as long as I can remember.  My loving mother spent many a nights with me as a child, listening to me vent, helping me talk through my confusion, stifling a smile or laugh or look of horror as I explored the corners of my mind.

I have always been curious.  But it was about nine years ago that I was brought to my knees and was forced to look at the world with new eyes.  Forced to see how my choices, my view of the world and the people I choose as my tribe impact every facet of my life.

We want to believe that once we learn a lesson, we can check it off the list and move forward. Ah-ha! I have learned to have patience.  I was patient in that situation, therefore I am now a patient person… check, check, check.

Sadly, this is not how this works. It is not that easy.

All of our lessons and areas for growth will loop back around.  We will be confronted with choices and situations that will make us rise to the occasion again and again.

Can you be patient in this situation? Can you be loving in that situation? Can you show compassion to that person? Can you exercise healthy boundaries now?

Let’s unpack this a little bit more.

For most of my life, communicating my true feelings was not easy for me.  I had so much fear about what people would think, who I might offend, not to mention I often didn’t know how I was feeling.  Years of mindfulness and meditation have helped me understand myself better.  Writing has helped me articulate myself better.  Having hard conversations where I feel like I might throw up or faint, run away or cry, has helped me grow and create better relationships, with both family, friends and lovers.

growth process

But is it ever really easy?  It is ever really done?  Do we ever really know exactly what to say, exactly how to say it, when to say it and what actions will validate our best intention-ed words?

Hell to the no.

We try. We try again and again. And it does get a little bit easier. You learn that you can and will survive these scary situations, but it doesn’t mean you enjoy it or that you don’t mess up.

The same can be said for confidence, worthiness, self-care, mindfulness, authenticity, vulnerability, courage… we learn what it is and how to do it. And then we learn it again. And again. And again.

Each time we will be tested differently. Each time we will respond a little bit differently.  Each time will learn a little bit more.

And hopefully along the way, we learn to offer ourselves some compassion. Offer and acknowledge how far we’ve come and how well we are doing. Knowing that we all make mistakes, we all have greatness and we all have so much to learn.

The best thing I can offer myself today (and maybe you can relate) is to cut myself some slack.

We are all doing the best we can. I honestly believe that. We will trip and fall, hurt people and hurt ourselves, impress others and exceed our own expectations, time and time again.

I think what is most important is that we are always true to ourselves.  That we honor our values and uphold our integrity.  This way, we can always hold our head high. And if, er’ when we mess up, we know exactly where to go back to.

We go back to our true self.  The one that wants to love and be loved.  The one whose hopes and dreams pulse through our veins. The one who hears this with their heart.

Yours truly,

Miss Erin Terese

P.S. Happy 11:11 ❤

Coming Home

Posted on by
4

Home is where the heart is.  We all understand that, right?  We have heard it a million times.  We know the concept.  But where is the heart? Where do you place it?  Where have you anchored it?

I believe the reason that our house and our city and the people in our lives may at times begin to feel distant is because we move our heart.  We pack it up, move it out and start heading out of town…often without consulting the people in our lives and without much thought as to why and where we are heading. We grow and change and our heart wants for something more.  Something different.  Something other-than.

It can be a saving grace, a scapegoat or a ticket out of dodge, but the heart has a way of leading us.  At times we know where and when and why, and other times we are like children “playing pin the tail on the donkey” – spinning around in the dark just hoping we land in the right spot.

My life this year has been a bit pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey-esque. 

All of a sudden, my home was gone.  While my loved ones and beautiful house and all I had know for the last 11 plus years was still around me, my sense of home was fading.  I felt like a visitor in my own town.  And just like that, I knew it was time to go.  My heart was leading me somewhere else.  It was time.

Many times before, I had dreamed of moving to a new city – but for reasons neither here nor there, it never came to fruition.  Maybe it was because I was running away.  Maybe it was because I had more to learn, more to love and more to see there.  Maybe it just wasn’t time.

Explaining my desire to move wasn’t the easiest thing.  I framed it by saying it was a strategic career move, that I needed a larger city with more culture, and somewhat jokingly that I had dated my way through the city and that there were no men left for me to meet.  But the truth of the matter is, and was, that it was no longer my home.

For eight months I searched.  I drove hundreds of miles for “meet and greets”, networked my little heart out and all but tattooed it on my forehead that I was trying to move – and yet it didn’t come.

Was my heart steering me wrong?  Was my gut lying to me?  Was I wrong?

Then I got quiet.  I went back to the drawing board.  I laid it all out on the table and took a good hard look at my motivation, my inspiration and what would be a logical next step.  I had felt so compelled. So drawn.  So lured, that I had gone sprinting into the night without my flashlight or road map or cell phone.  I was blindly chasing my winged-heart.

Once I centered myself and tried again, I came up with a new plan.  A new thought.  And just like that, the pieces just fell into place.  In a turn of events that can only be described as magical or fated or destined, my city found me.  In just under one month, my thought had become my reality, and I was home.

I remember when I visited San Francisco for the first time.  I was eleven years old and my family and flown in from Wisconsin to visit my aunt and uncle in the city.  It was unlike anything I had ever seen.  To me, it was like a dream. I remember white lilies, steep hills, bustling crowds and breathtaking beauty everywhere we went.  I vowed right then and there that I would one day live here.

But like so many childhood dreams, it was put in a box on the shelf and long-ago forgotten about.

coming home

I have lived here for 24 days now and already this is my home. 

During my first week here I met with a dear old friend who upon seeing me, said “Welcome home.” Tears welled in my eyes as I realized it was true.  My heart had not taken me to a far-off destination filled with adventure and culture and new loves to be had (though I do hope it will), it had taken me home.

And while I do understand that home is where the heart is (and you carry it with you), it will also guide and lead you, and sometimes you have to answer the call.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

On Feathers

Posted on by
Reply

On feathers she walked, drifting toward the moon on notes of Bach and Beethoven.  Floating over fields of lavender, and rivers of honey. She waved goodbye to the alabaster house on top of the hill, and blew kisses on the wind, hoping they would land on the hearts of those she left behind. For her heart had danced to the rhythm of the hour, and her feet had skipped to the sound of the drum.  Her lips had delighted in the jasmine and berries, and her eyes soaked in the golden of the sun.  She could have stayed and swam in the senses, but her lover was beckoning her, calling her home.  And so she floated to the sky, to reunite with him where he shines, watching the people from afar and reveling in their joy.

Feather Light

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

There Where My Longing Lies

Posted on by
4

It was there in the moonlight, gazing at the starry sky that I first felt it. Time stood still and the light shining in the distant galaxies was calling me home – pulling me higher.  My body was anchored to the boulder atop the mountain on which I sat, but my soul was soaring.  Voices and memories were pulsing through my veins as if they had been there from the beginning and reminding me with each breath and heart beat that we are as one.

Finally I was given a glimpse of what I had been seeking.  That longing that had been pulling on my heart strings, knotting in my throat and ringing in my ears had found its source. The sky.  The beyond.  Somewhere in the darkness and the twinkling of faraway stars and planets.  Past the black holes, comets and solar systems.  Farther still where sound and light and fantasy shift into a new language undecipherable to my mind.  Yes, it is there where my longing lies.  Somewhere my mind cannot explain, nor my memory attempt to fathom. There in that place lies a piece of me, every bit as connected as the brown in my eyes and the heat on my breath.  Part of me there is reaching out, longing to connect, wanting me to listen.

With open mind, heart and soul I listen.  Now, I listen.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

Whispers In The Night

Posted on by
4

“But, Mom…I don’t want to go to sleep” I shouted! Slowly I raised my head to meet her gaze and saw her eyes were brimming with tears.  Although I was pulsing with energy and had no desire to sleep, my Catholic guilt kicked in and I could not bare to further exhaust my mother. I hung my head, turned my feet and shuffled down the long lonely hallway to my bedroom.

Ever so lightly, I pushed my bedroom door, causing it to swing open and reveal my haven – four eggshell walls with one hanging mirror and two large windows. A tall, wooden chest of drawers and small bookshelf held most of my worldly possessions – including my favorite teddy bear, teeny tiny animal figurines and rock collection.  A soft powder blue comforter with small white and yellow flowers draped across my Queen size bed. It was much too large for a girl my age, but I was ever so grateful my Aunt gifted it to me when she moved.  Since my family didn’t have much money, it was quite the luxury item.

Already dressed for bed and teeth brushed, I plopped down on my mattress, laid back and relaxed.  Fluffing the pillow underneath my head, I stared at the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling and braced myself for what I knew would be hours before I’d be able to drift into dreamland.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

My warm brown eyes turned to the doorway where my beautiful mother stood. She walked over to my bed, leaned down and gave me a gentle kiss on the forehead. “Good night, sweet angel” she whispered and floated out of the room, closing the door behind her and extinguishing the light. “Good night, Mom!” I said loudly and wondered if she heard me.

Just then, a cool gentle breeze swept through the open window, caressing my face and bringing me back to the present moment.  Falling asleep was never an easy task for me.  I would much rather have been sitting on the couch, falling asleep to the glow of the TV than try and attempt this.  My mind was active; I knew this to be true.  No other children seemed to speak about this problem, so I assumed it was something only I dealt with. I hoped that I was not the only one, but I dared not risk embarrassing myself by asking a schoolmate.

My inner dialogue was intense and draining. I often tried to quiet my mind, but was unable.

Thoughts to myself:          It must be so much easier as an adult!  No one tells you what to do.  No one questions your every move. No one discounts the value of your opinion. Being a kid is hard! I don’t feel like a young, naive child like the adults view me.  While my parents claim to understand me, I know that they don’t really understand me. I know this because when I asked them if I could fly to Grandpa’s funeral in order to say goodbye, they firmly said “No”.  I mean, I know that our family isn’t rich and that we cannot afford to send everyone, but I want to go. I need to go and say goodbye to him. I cried, and begged, and pleaded.  But since I am a young girl that just barely learned to tie her shoes, they do not understand why it is necessary for me.

(And so begins the rambling dialogue in my mind)

My mind:            WHY? Why is this? Why won’t they listen to me?  Hello!  Is anyone listening?  God?  An angel? Future self?  A ghost?  Someone please answer.  I am so lost…

Whispers in the Night:   Yes, I hear you, my darling. You have to forgive your parents, for they are just doing their best to care for you and your family.

My Mind:            But if they really wanted to care for me and do what is best, wouldn’t they allow me to go and say goodbye? I shunned my grandfather the last time I saw him.  My parents told me he was sick, so I refused to hug him.  It was only later I learned I could not catch his illness. They promised me I could hug him the next time I saw him and that it would be okay.  And now he is dead.  Shouldn’t they understand that I need to tell him I’m sorry and say goodbye?

Whispers in the Night:   I know that is how you would like them to react.  They are your parents and you have been taught that they are there to take care of you and do what is best for you.  My dear, you need to realize they were children just like you once.  They make mistakes.  They are not perfect.  They do love you and you should not fault them for not understanding how important this is to you.

My Mind:            But I am just so angry and hurt.

Whispers in the Night:  That is part of the grieving process.  It is completely natural to be hurting.  Your parents, sister and the rest of your family are hurting too.  Trust me, your grandfather knows you love him.

My Mind:            Does he?

Whispers in the Night:   Yes.

My Mind:            Are you sure he knows?

Whispers in the Night:   Yes, I am sure.

Thoughts to myself:          Oh this is so infuriating! Who is this voice that is answering me? Okay, okay, so maybe my parents do make mistakes.  But, hello!  This is one of those mistakes! I swear I will not be this way as an adult.  I will listen to my child and know that their opinion and the words they speak have value.  When I am an adult, I will remember how smart I was as a child and just how angry it made me when people spoke down to me for being “just a kid”.  Humph!  How can they overlook my aching heart and ignore my well spoken plea? I wonder why they don’t understand me.

My Mind:            Hello?  Are you still there?  Why don’t my parents know that I am smart?

Whispers in the Night:   They know you are smart.  They know you are kind.  They just do not remember what it is like to be a child.  They forget how confusing of a time it is and they are too wrapped up in their daily routines to take the time and remember.

My Mind:            Oh.  So what should I do?

Whispers in the Night:   You should understand that your parents are human and make mistakes.  You should forgive them, love them, and not hold every little thing you do not like against them.  You should send a prayer to your grandfather and tell him goodbye; this will help you heal your heart.  You may not see him or hear his voice, but know that he loves you.

My Mind:            But can’t you help me find a way to convince them I need to go?

Whispers in the Night:   I am sorry my dear, I cannot.  You need to accept that you will not attend the funeral, and that it is okay you are not present.  You can say goodbye from the privacy of your room and he will hear you just the same.

My Mind:            Are you sure?

Whispers in the Night:   Yes, I am sure.

My Mind:            Thank you for helping me to understand.  Are you God?  Are you an Angel?  Who are you?

Whispers in the Night:   Sweet girl, it doesn’t matter who or what I am.  I am here to help guide you.  I will always be here for you.

My Mind:            But how will I find you?

Whispers in the Night:   You will find me the same way that you did tonight.  Just quiet your mind, focus your question and ask.  Then be silent and I will whisper to you.  I am here now, and will always be here with you.  Now go to sleep, my darling.

My Mind:            Ok, I will try.

Thoughts to myself:          I feel so much better!  I cannot wait to be an adult.  I wonder when I will find out who guided me tonight.  I bet I will know when I am an adult.  I think it was God. Well, maybe God’s voice sounded a little too much like my own.  Mom always talks about guardian angels, maybe it was an angel?  Dad loves science fiction, so maybe it was future me giving young me advice?  That’d be cool!  Wow, I sure can’t wait to be an adult so I can figure it all out.  Adults have it so easy.

THE END

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

A Moment of Revelation: Mind, Body and Heart.

Posted on by
5

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I do some of my best thinking while driving in my car.

This has been an interesting week and month – lots of thinking to be done.  When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining and there was a dusting of clouds against the beautiful blue sky, and I felt renewed.  This was going to be a good day. I could feel it! I shared a few positive tweets, Facebook messages and texts, and my heart swelled with love.  Finally, I was back in the peaceful state of mind I have grown accustomed to over the past few years.  The struggles I had been rolling over in my mind melted away and I allowed the light and love to pour into me.

While driving in my car, I tried to recall what I had done that brought me back.  What had happened that brought me back to this wonderful state of calm?  Instantly I  realized that I had restored the balance in my mind, body and heart.  I have been working toward realigning my mind to a peaceful place, my body to be healthy and thriving, and my heart to be open. Mind, body and heart. Mind, body and heart.  Today they aligned and I feel beautiful, loved and capable. Mind, body and heart.  The trinity of me.  The trinity of you.  The three things we must align for a peaceful and loving life. Wait, did I just say trinity? As in the Holy Trinity, like Father, Son and Holy Spirit?

Stay with me for a sec. This is where I started to trip out too.

I have long since believed that religion and our view of God is a way for us to understand life, how things work and how we work.  Each religion takes a different perspective on what/who God is and what all of that means.  I was raised Catholic, but have distanced myself from the Church as there were too many things that did not align with what I felt in my heart.  And the idea of God floating up in the clouds looking down on us, just didn’t feel right to me.  I feel like God is something that unites us all and is present in everything, but I have yet to fully understand this and I am working on connecting the pieces.  Yes, there are some Catholic beliefs I do not agree with; but there are many wonderful things I have learned that have stuck with me.  All of the lessons about being kind, how to treat your neighbor and how to treat and respect yourself – those lessons are tucked within the folds of my heart and ever present in my mind.  Lessons about being kind, loving and grateful.  Lessons about sympathy, empathy and doing what is right.  Lessons on forgiveness, love and family.  You find such lessons in most religions.  Most religions emphasize the importance of caring for your mind, caring for your body and caring for your heart (soul).

In my recent quest to find myself and a greater meaning for my life, I have been paying a lot of attention to other peoples’ views, ideas and feelings.  I have been reading and listening to the thoughts of others with a careful ear and open mind and heart. There is an idea out there, a belief, that we are God. God lives within us.  We are all connected and are a manifestation of God.  When the word trinity rolled through my mind today, I thought I might just be on to something here.  I have long believed that we interpret certain universal truths the best way our human minds can, and assign them names and values to the best of our ability. Words like God, soul, love, connection, dream, devil, redemption, miracle, right and wrong – all ascribed to feelings we try to understand.

Now, here comes my moment of revelation.  My thought: during mass and prayer, it is common practice to say “The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit” while signing the cross on your body.  The Father: touch your forehead (the mind).  The son: touch your lower chest or navel (body). And the Holy Spirit: touch each shoulder once (your heart and soul lies within). Tears welled in my eyes at the thought of this.

I am getting closer. This makes sense. Mind, body and heart.

I really do some of my best thinking while driving in my car.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S.  What do you think?  I welcome any comments or feedback.  Still mulling this over…