Yours truly,
Erin Terese
Written in the Rain
2
Tag Archives: love
A Rose By Any Other Name
“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”
Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, 1600.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. How very true, this notion that it doesn’t matter what you call something; it only matters what it truly is. But do we all apply this in our everyday life?
Let’s say for example, we have a woman named Jane. Jane grew up in Ohio, has two loving parents, three siblings, is a widow with a four year old son, and is wickedly smart, funny and kind. She is a wonderful friend and the kind of person that would give her jacket to a shivering stranger. Now, what does Jane do for a living? Jane is a Politician. Jane is a Pediatric Nurse. Jane is a Preschool teacher. Jane is a Preacher. Jane is a Prostitute. Is Jane by any other name, still as sweet?
Think about that for a second.
Did you hesitate for a moment on any of those occupations? And if so, why?
People are complex. It can never be as simple and as black and white as you may like it to be. We all possess many character traits, attributes, strengths and weaknesses. What is important to remember, is that you should not discount someone or their character because of one thing. It is not black and white. One thing does not cancel out another.
Jane is wickedly smart, funny and kind. She is a wonderful friend and the kind of person that would give her jacket to a shivering stranger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am going to carry this thought with me today.
Yours truly,
Erin Terese
The Amazingly Resilient Heart
He: Baby, I need to talk to you tomorrow night. Can I come over after work?
Me: Whatever it is, just tell me now.
He: You aren’t going to like it.
Me: Okay, now you really need to tell me. What’s going on?
He: I don’t know what to do… I slept with this girl, she’s pregnant, and she’s keeping it. I really need you to be my friend right now.
Me: Wait. What? What are you talking about? Hold on a sec, I need to pull my car over real quick…
Gasp. Sob. Scream.
In the month preceding this conversation, he had been asking me on an almost daily basis to marry him. Baby, I can have a ring for you next week if you want one. While I loved him greatly, deeply and what I now understand is an unhealthy amount, I was hesitant. We had only been back together for a few months and I wanted to make sure that he had in fact changed, and that we were still a good fit. Something was off though, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. As it turned out, what was “off” about our relationship was that he was unsure of my love for him and had been seeking comfort in between the legs of his neighbor.
With a shaky voice, he told me all about the other girl and the baby on the way. Choking back tears, he begged for me to understand, to be his friend and to please stay with him. Like fools we tried to make it work. For two months we stayed together. I tried to forgive him, he tried to explain and together we discussed how this was going to work. Would we get married and share custody? Would we try for full custody? Day in and day out, I sat by as he went to doctor visits with her and canceled our plans every time the phone rang with another one of her “emergency situations” – she was a bit of a drama queen and trouble maker.
Finally, my heart hit the wall and I could not stand any more pain. Two months of fighting back tears at work, crying myself to sleep every night and living in a constant state of anxiety, almost broke me. For the sake of my sanity and realizing that I deserved better, I gathered my strength and walked away.
His son turned four this week.
My biggest fear was that I would become bitter and build a wall around my heart. What happened was the opposite. Sure, I was bitter with a wall up for a while (a long while actually), but ultimately my heart healed itself into a bigger and stronger version. I feel like I have the heart of a champion now. I swear! I constantly surprise myself with my ability to be vulnerable, open to love and simultaneously, open to rejection. What could have ruined me and made me a bitter old hag, has actually softened me and made me more compassionate. I could have forever hid behind a wall or shield around my heart, but I long to feel loved again and have faith that I can heal again if I need. I am not giving myself kudos here; I am simply stating that the heart is amazingly resilient. That if you allow it time to heal, and really and truly want to move forward, you will – and you will be even stronger when you do.
Just a little reflection on where I am now versus were I was four years ago at this time: in a drunk puddle of hysterical tears.
Yours truly,
Erin Terese
P.S. Yes, it got worse before it got better. Read this.
Hello, My Love.
Hello My Love,
I am writing in hopes that your eyes land on this letter. That you read my words and know that they were meant for you. One small thing… I do not know who I am addressing – partially yes, but not in the way most people mean when they say that they know someone.
Let me explain.
I can feel you. I can feel your heart flutter when you are nervous and excited. My cheeks warm as you become heated with embarrassment by a joke made at your expense. My lips curl and twist as your mouth exhales laughter and sarcasm. Perhaps it is most apparent when I am outside and a breeze washes over me. As it first sweeps over me, I become aware of the coolness. Letting the brisk air roll over my arms and through my fingers, I ever so gently tilt my head back and allow it to pass through my hair. It lifts and separates the strands, releasing the heat that was building beneath my long flowing locks.
These moments once escaped me. I did not notice the beauty around me or the joy in that moment – the connection to you and the world around me. Then one day, I felt it. I felt you. As I began to notice it was evidence you exist, I let myself embrace those moments.
Near a trolley station or in a park. In a grocery store parking lot or walking to grab a cup of coffee from the local café. When the breeze picks up, I know it’s you. Whether you have sent it for me to say hello, or it is the ripple effect of your laughter or tears, I know it’s from you. I revel in these moments. They bring me such joy and peace. Such hope and relief. Knowing you exist, that you are out there, I send my love to you.
I send my love to you often. With the purest intent, it is sent out into the universe to find you. I quiet my mind and focus my feelings of love and care and send it your way. Under my breath in a crowded room, I whisper it. I cannot hold it in or deny that it exists. I can feel you and know that you are there, sending your love to me. Your intention for me. Thank you.
I wonder if we have met. Were we in the same café in Europe? Do we both read in the same park? Have I passed you on the street? Have we met? Have we spoken? Will we ever meet? While I would love to know the answers to these questions, it is enough that I can feel you and know that you exist. Whether or not we ever meet, I am so grateful that I am able to bask in your light. You experience life in a way that makes my days brighter. You are truly amazing and I adore you. I send you my love and hope that you receive it. I send you my love and hope that you feel worthy of it, and believe that it is true and honest. I send you my love and hope that it warms your heart and makes your eyes sparkle and dance, the way you do for me.
Thank you. Thank you. I love and adore you.
Yours truly,
Erin Terese
Are you openly affectionate?
There is something that intrigues me. I am not quite sure when or why this happens, but I feel like most of us are victims of this. We fear showing too much affection.
Why is this? Why do we hold back? When did it start?
Although most adults ration their affection, there is an exception I have noticed: people love to love on babies. It is common for strangers to walk up to babies and speak to them. To tell them how pretty they are. To ask if they can hold the baby. Okay, maybe not everyone shows so much affection toward just any baby, but imagine the baby is your child. Your niece or nephew. Your grandchild. Your best friend’s baby. Do you hesitate to hold the baby? Do you tell the baby how beautiful and smart they are? Do you pet, cuddle and coo with the baby? For most people, there is little hesitation. Most people are much more openly affectionate with babies and young children than other adults in their lives.
While showing affection to children is wonderful, absolutely necessary and a very beautiful thing, why don’t we show that same amount of love and affection to everyone in our lives? Why don’t we tell our friends, family and lovers how beautiful and smart and perfect they are? Yes, I know we say it, but not as openly, freely or frequently as we do with young ones.
It has taken me years to get comfortable with being openly affectionate. I regularly tell my friends and family members how much I love them, why I love them and how greatly I appreciate their presence in my life. I hug them. I touch their arm when I speak to them. I gently rub their back when they cry. Yet I know that sometimes I still hold back. The fear grips me that it might not be reciprocated. That it may be perceived as insincere if I say it too often or show it too much. That it might be mistaken as romantic interest rather than the simple affection I intended to convey.
When did simply showing affection become so complicated and convoluted?
Regardless of the fear. Regardless of the assumptions others may make. Regardless of the outcome. I vow to be openly affectionate. I will try my best to show my affection for others as freely as I do to that of young cooing, cuddling, adorable, perfect little babies.
What do you think? Do you hold back? Do you know why?
Curious.
Yours truly,
Erin Terese
From Heartbreak to Gratitude
There is something to be said for heartbreak. Until I experienced it for myself, I had no idea how horrible it really is. I had no idea how painful it can be and how much it can destroy your very foundation.
My heartbreak was at the hands of the first man I ever loved. We were together for over five years and I thought I was going to marry him. This did not happen. I had never known betrayal until our end, and I certainly never could have imagined it would yield such doubt and sorrow.
Grief was never anything I welcomed or allowed in my life. When our end came, I knew that I had to feel this hurt. It was going to be completely vital for me to acknowledge and feel every ounce of pain in order to heal – and so I did. My once cool and collected self became a puddle of tears. I cried every day for months. Then I cried a few days a week for a few more months. Eventually I cried once a week, once a month, and then only rarely. I was grateful not to have tear soaked pillows every night, but I was completely withdrawn from my old joys of life. I had to take a step back and reevaluated my life and the choices I had made that brought me to that point.
Yes, I blamed him for what happened, but things are never one sided. I had overlooked things in our relationship and in him. For this reason, I blamed me too. I no longer trusted myself as a good judge of character. Learning to forgive myself and trust myself again was going to be paramount on my journey. I decided I needed to take all of my life plans and put them on hold. Before I would be able to wholeheartedly pursue the career, house and family I wanted, I needed to fully heal. Not only did I need to heal, but I needed to have joy in my days and in my heart. I needed a genuine smile, big belly laughs, and a healthy mind and body.
One at a time, I pursued these things. I moved to a part of town I preferred. Check! My boss was adding too much stress for me to heal, so I found a new job. While it was less money, the peaceful work environment was priceless. Check! I lost 20 pounds. Check! I felt stagnant in my activities and habits, so I said YES to new things and hung out with as many new people as I could. I took a trapeze class. I took a sushi making class. I learned to do Yoga. I started to sing again. I started to write. I worked out more. I’ve always been healthy, but I made it a top priority and really started to listen to my body. Wow… Check! Check! Check! I started to feel happy – really happy. I realized that the house I wanted, the man I wanted to marry and the children I wanted to have was all part of a lovely plan – but I wanted more.
So here I am today. I have found forgiveness for my Ex and for myself. In fact, I often catch myself spilling tears over the amount of joy and love in my heart. I am in awe at the love I have for myself, the people in my life and this amazing journey we are all on. The plan now, which I am actively pursuing, is to be present. I vow to continually try new things and live in the moment as much as possible. I am open to love, travel and career possibilities. I will never again try and force a life I want. Being present, I enjoy each moment and happily accept the gifts that Life gives me. I would never be where I am now if I hadn’t been wounded so badly. My broken heart led me on a journey to finding true love, within. I will be forever grateful for the lessons I have learned.
Yours truly,
Erin Terese
P.S. Here is the audio version if you would prefer to hear my actual voice.
erin terese 