Song on the Wind

Posted on by
Reply

My dearest love,

The song of change has begun to play. Again.  We have heard it before, you and I. Have we not?  Have we not laid in bed and listened to the birds begin to lift their voices in the sweetest melody ever heard?  Have we not heard it again as we strolled through the aisles of the grocery store, listening to cans and boxes and melons tumble to the tile?

And now as I sit here, knowing you are sitting somewhere looking at the same blue sky and the same puffy white clouds, I can hear it begin to sound again.  Can you?  Do you hear it, my love? For me it sounds of motorcycle rumbles, trains on tracks and planes overhead.

Whistle me a tune, dear, and send it on the wind.  Tell me what you hear, have heard, and where you’ve been.

The rustle and volume is rising…and I know you hear it too.  What is the sweet song of change now telling you?

song on the wind

Sending you my love, on the wind and wings of butterflies.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

Letting Go of Relationships Past

Posted on by
1

Everyone needs closure.  For some it comes in the form of a conversation, some in the form of silence and others by action.  Since I am a person who relies heavily on words, and feels their weight as if they were tangible, I need the conversation.  I need the explanation.  I need to hear that you don’t want me and why.  While it may seem cruel to say such things, for me it helps to let go.  Since most men rarely give such explanations, it takes me far longer to release them.  I do believe I am at a place in my journey where I am learning to release and let go far more easily, but this person was in my life before I learned to be centered and release.  Before I truly understood that all people are here to teach us lessons and that we should be thankful for our brief time with them and the lessons we learned.

 

Last week while I was sitting at my desk, typing away and letting my mind drift, one of my Exes popped into my mind. As if out of nowhere, I had the thought that even if he walked into my office, sat at my desk and explained that he realized he had made a mistake in letting me go and wanted to try again, I would say “No.”  For many months I had been trying to shake him.  Trying to let go of the attachment I had made to him and the idea that we might one day have a chance to try again.  And finally, he was gone.  I had finally released him and the idea of a maybe someday us. He was the last one I had been hanging on to and I cannot tell you how wonderful it feels to let go.

Letting Go

Honestly, it makes it hard to date when you constantly compare your date to an Ex.  It’s simply not fair and does more harm than good.

 

Now that I have officially let go of all of my Exes and feelings of “maybe someday” or that any were “the one that got away,” I can move forward and truly give people a chance.  A fair chance.  A chance to know me, sans baggage – without judgment or comparison.  Without hidden texts and lies of “we are just friends.”  Not that I was a cheater, but when you have lingering feelings for someone are they really just a friend? I don’t know what the appropriate term is, but it certainly isn’t friendly and it’s not fair to the person you are dating to hold on to someone like that.  You simply cannot give yourself fully when you are hanging on to the idea of someone else.

 

I often wondered if you could really and truly release all of your Exes without someone new to help push them out. And now I know you can.  Not only that, but it allows you the chance for a healthy relationship.  One that can start without the burns of relationships past and comparisons to what He would have said or what He would have done. 

 

I have already had a small taste of what life will be like now that I am no longer holding on to the idea of an Ex. This past weekend I went on a first date and was able to be fully present.  I was able to enjoy myself and my time with him without using any Ex as a barometer of how he measures up.  I was able to take our date for what it was and how he might fit into my life now – for who I am at this moment and what I am looking for now.  There is an ease to it. An excitement to it. An empowerment knowing that my choices are based solely upon who I am as a person and not based on feelings I’ve had in the past.

 

While I am still not sure exactly what it was that finally shook my Ex free and out of my thoughts, I am grateful he is gone.  That I can legitimately call him a friend and that I can offer myself as a fully present and healed partner to whomever I choose to date.

 

So the point of this post, I suppose, is to encourage you to shake your Ex free.  Let him/her go. Know that when you do, you will open yourself to a sense of freedom and the ability to be open and authentic with your future partner(s).  Whether you need to have that dreaded conversation or stop talking to them entirely or write them a letter and burn it – try to find your closure.  Because the thing about closure is that once one chapter closes, you make room for a new one to begin.

Yours Truly,

Erin Terese

This Thing We Do

Posted on by
Reply

There’s this thing we do.  Not all people.  Not just men or just women, but many people and most at some point in their life.  We fight.  We stay.  Long after tears were shed and words exchanged and locks turned on doors.  Long after blame was placed and punishment doled and we shatter to the floor.

This is true for romantic relationships, friendships and family alike.

We were brought up on the idea that you never give up.  You always keep trying.  You find a way and you make it work.  We are so afraid of failing, that we fail to care for ourselves and we allow ourselves to fight for unhealthy relationships.  Because we want to win.  We want to make it right.  We want to “succeed”. To succeed in what?  Oh, yeah, to succeed in living a dream that we imagined as children. Because that’s what “good” people do…right?  They “make it work”.

bad relationship

But what does “working” mean? Where does our happiness lie? Do we feel it and breathe it and know we deserve it? DO WE?

What we were supposed to learn as children was how to compromise.  How to be patient.  How to listen and understand and support our partners/friends when they are down and out.  This does not mean we stand around and take verbal and physical and emotional abuse.  This does not mean we allow ourselves to be doormats and taken for granted.  That isn’t “making it work” – that is making you sick and wounding your heart.  And you deserve better.  We all do.

I don’t care what your disagreement is about.  If it’s about sex or drugs or money.  If it’s about the house or the dog or your mother-in-law.  About your boss or your ex or your dinner plans next week.  You can respectfully discuss these matters.  You can feel loved and supported and understood even if you don’t get your way.  You can know that the other person has your back and honors your opinion (even when they respectfully disagree).

That is winning and making it right.  That is success.  That is “making it work”.

I’m not saying to run away the first time a friend or lover or family member is harsh with you.  What I am saying is there is a way to approach and handle matters.  A way to work through conflict and miscommunication and times of troubles. A way to respectfully and lovingly manage the muck and curve balls that life throws at us.  We can do it together and be stronger than before.  But we must be respectful of one another and honor the people in our lives.

We must be respectful of ourselves and honor ourselves.  And we must ask ourselves when is it time to stay?  And when is it time to walk away?

Just a little food for thought.  Love and hugs.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S.  Okay, okay the picture is a little intense… But what else was fitting?  I tried.

Mothers are a Gift

Posted on by
2

I remember a time as a child when I asked my mother if I was an “oops baby”.  If I had been a surprise.  If I was the baby that so fondly found her, instead of her finding me.  I was not asking out of concern, as if there was anything wrong with it, but more out of curiosity.  More because I am the kind of person that is always curious. Curious about who I am and why I am here.  About why you are here, we are here, life is here. Just a natural born curious soul… It’s how I roll – now and always.

The way in which she answered me was quite unexpected.  My mother is a very kind and loving person.  She is the type of woman one would describe as greatly generous while being entirely selfless.  She radiates positivity and has a softness is her eyes and in her embrace that sets people at ease.  You know that she is someone whom you can be yourself around and that you will not be judged.  She is loving in a very natural and accepting way; evident by her actions more than her words or efforts.

She speaks softly and with care towards others sensitivities.  Her words are rarely abrupt and never harsh; her tone radiating joy and compassion.  She is not serious or heavy in her conversation, but rather keeps her words to those which are soft and light, packed with hope and the promise of something greater.

Because of this, I was surprised by her response to me.  She quickly stopped what she was doing and turned to meet my gaze.  Her smile dropped and she gave me a serious look.  One I had not seen before.  It wasn’t the look of anger or disappointment or regret, but a look that let me know that what she was about to say was something that I needed to hear.

All of a sudden, I felt silly for asking and became grounded in the moment.

Her voice became soft and stern as she told me that I was planned. That I was wanted.  That she and my father knew they wanted another child and had very deliberately tried to have me. As she stood there explaining this to me, I knew how true it was.  It was a brief conversation, but a powerful one.  She took time and care discussing it with me since she knew it was important that I truly hear what she was saying.  And in a way, it was.

motherdaughter

Babies are blessings however they come.  They are.  Whether it is recognized at the time of their birth or years later or never – they are.  We are all gifts and lucky to be here.  Life is a gift, and we are lucky to live it.  We all know this.  We do. Whether we choose to recognize it now or later or never – it is.

The way in which my mother told me that I was wanted and loved and planned helped me realize early on just how lucky I am.  How incredibly amazing life is and how beautifully it can be designed.  There is beauty in the chaos, but there is a profound beauty in the design.  The planner in me loves this.

Just this morning, my mother told me that I have always been a “plotter and a planner”.  We were discussing my next life move and how she hopes I find a career that allows me to “plot and plan” since I love it so much.  How poetic then that I was “plotted and planned” for.  Perhaps it is why I am that way, or perhaps it is why I needed to know if I was planned or not.  But her response was beautiful. It was exactly what I needed to hear.   Exactly what I needed to know.  Exactly what I needed to understand.

Mothers so often have a way of doing that.  Not all women that bear children are true mothers, but for those of us that are lucky enough to be born unto women that are loving mothers, we know what a gift it is.  One that should be honored and cherished and never taken for granted.

I love you, Mom.  Happy Mother’s Day!

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

On Feathers

Posted on by
Reply

On feathers she walked, drifting toward the moon on notes of Bach and Beethoven.  Floating over fields of lavender, and rivers of honey. She waved goodbye to the alabaster house on top of the hill, and blew kisses on the wind, hoping they would land on the hearts of those she left behind. For her heart had danced to the rhythm of the hour, and her feet had skipped to the sound of the drum.  Her lips had delighted in the jasmine and berries, and her eyes soaked in the golden of the sun.  She could have stayed and swam in the senses, but her lover was beckoning her, calling her home.  And so she floated to the sky, to reunite with him where he shines, watching the people from afar and reveling in their joy.

Feather Light

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

Frozen Words

Posted on by
2

Like an icicle hanging from the branch of a tree, your words have stayed and lingered and bit me as they clung.

Love you. Miss you.  Want you. Need you.

The base of the ice, where it anchors in my heart.

Love me. Need me. Show me. Leave me.

The dagger’s point, that clamors at my soul.

And like the icicle on the branch, there are only two ways for which your words will leave me, let me go and release me.

By slowly melting and stinging as it drips down my trunk, drops seeping to my core.

Or by breaking loose, taking pieces of me with it and leaving shards of splintered ice and birch and promises on the ground.

However the words leave, they will. And as the ice melts and breaks and washes away, so too does the essence of you.

There may be scars left behind or words splattered on the ground, but there is a spring to cleanse it away.  To bud new leaves and bark and a clean place for rain to fall – and perhaps freeze again.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

~~~~~~

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

Avoid, Rinse, Repeat. – I am breaking the cycle.

Posted on by
4

I struggle with when to stay and when to walk away in romantic relationships, friendships and even in my career.  This is a sensitive subject for me.  In order to discuss this and have any kind of opinion on the matter, I am going to be vulnerable and air my dirty laundry for all to read.  I don’t like this.

So here it goes…

I don’t think I really noticed how wounded I was until I started writing this blog.  I didn’t fully understand how strongly I hold my loved ones in my grasp.  I didn’t realize that some I would fight for endlessly and others I would let slip away as if they had meant nothing to me. To the outsider, it may seem haphazard – but there is surely a rhyme and definitely a reason.

The thing is, it is the same thing every time.  I will fight to save and help and encourage the people in my life.  To no end.  When they call, I am there. Even if it has been years, my heart beats for my loved ones.  I truly carry their heart in my heart.  This is true until this one thing happens.  Until I think that I might be left. If I fear that I may be at fault, have done any wrong and that I might be abandoned, I leave. I rewrite what has happened in my head and make it seem as if it was my choice to be drama free – when really I was guarding my heart.  And wounding it further along the way.

Same story, different boyfriend, lover, friend – every time. Avoid, Rinse, Repeat.

And yes, some of those relationships are better left where they lay.  It was a blessing.  But some could have been nurtured.  Some I could have taken the time to reach out again and listen with a patient heart.  I could have asked to hear what I had done, if anything, that lead to the growing canyon between us.  But my standard response was to speculate and write the story in my head. As if I knew. As if there was anyway I could really have known what happened.

My cowardice in confrontation has left me with lost friendships and lovers that perhaps could have been life-long friends or loves of my life, had I not been so fearful of their judgment.  Had my insecurities and childhood wounds not left me so fearful of being brokenhearted. And on the flip-side, I may not have even been their friend or lover had I not been seeking their approval in the first place.  Knowing this is a trip.

What I have learned from all of my writing, the endless hours dissecting my thoughts, and countless hours learning to quite my mind, is the truth. The essence of me. (And I know many of you are going to relate to this) I have a large heart.  A big one.  I could fill a football stadium with my loved ones. I would fly around the world and scale the highest mountain to help any one of those dear ones.  But have I always given myself that same amount of love and dedication?  Sadly, I have not.  Not until now.

nurture

Now I am going to fight to save and help and encourage myself in this life.  This means that I will lean into the discomfort of conversations to find the truth.  I will no longer walk away when things get scary, I will stay and talk them through and hug everyone on the way out – whether it is for the last time or if I will see them bright and early the next morning.

I am giving up on the idea of never.  The idea that you have to even walk away. It doesn’t have to be a forever goodbye, slam the door in your face and never hear from you again.  It can be a “So long my friend, I wish you the best.  I love you.  Until will meet again”.  Because guess what?  Life is short.  It is crazy.  There are twists and turns and chapters we can never imagine. Leading characters may fade into the back, and supporting characters may swoop in and save the day.

You never know.

To assume and wonder and speculate does no one any good.  Ask for your answer.  Hear it with an open heart.  If you do not get an answer, then do your best to release it and bless it on the way out – “until we meet again”.  Or at least that is my plan.  Instead of “Avoid, Rinse, Repeat” it is “Love, Nurture, Forgive”.

Yours truly,

Miss Erin Terese

It’s Okay to be Sad Sometimes

Posted on by
1

It’s okay to be sad sometimes.  It’s okay to feel the weight of things.  It’s okay to cry and ask for time alone.  It’s okay to feel hurt and betrayed and wounded. It is.

It may not feel good, or you may feel foolish about your weighty emotions, but when they arise it is important you acknowledge their presence.  These moments of despair and loss and sadness reveal what is important to you.  What makes you tick.  Who you are, where you have come from and what you have learned.

Whether this bout of sadness is grounded in a break-up, an illness, a death, a job loss, a bankruptcy or a mistake you have made, the feelings are valid.  Even if you cannot place the reason for your sadness, it still needs to be addressed.  Nursed.  Tended to.  Loved and  cared for with kindness and patience.  When you find yourself in these moments, you need allow the feelings to be, address them, and then dig into your bag of tricks and exercise the things that help you heal and reset.

We all have them: the cure-alls.  Not the glass of wine, cigar, romp in the sheets or fist fight you might be yearning for – but the real medicine.

The moment alone.  The walk in the park.  The deep breaths.  The nap.  The tall glass of water.  The talk with a friend or words in your journal.  The tears on your pillow or tea in your cup. The coins tossed in the homeless person’s hat or hand on the weeping woman’s back. The gratitude and forgiveness. The prayer or plea or pause for reflection.  The gentleness with yourself.  This is the real medicine.  The real cure.

Sadness

When you take a moment to still your mind and ask yourself what you really need, the answer presents itself.  The answer always lies within.  We forget this sometimes.  And sometimes we see the answer and because we don’t like it, we push it aside. We need to take the time to address what ails us and to sit with it.  To understand it.  To heal it and forgive what needs forgiving.  To love it and feel gratitude for all that we have and for the opportunity to change and grow.

The important thing is that we take these moments as a lesson.  A lesson in learning more about who we are and how to love ourselves more kindly, with the gentleness and care that we deserve.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S.  How do you care for yourself in times of sadness?

Reconciling the Past, Present and Future Self

Posted on by
1

The journey of life sure is an interesting one, packed with twists and turns, flips, back flips, and quite a few head-spins.  One of the things I find most interesting is how much we change, how frequently we change, and how difficult is seems to reconcile the many versions of ourselves.  Maybe some of you fit in a pretty little box that never changes, but I am more like a hermit crab constantly finding a new shell.  I am Fifty Shades of Erin.

hermit crab

There are things in my past I would never want to repeat and things that I am not proud of; but I do know that every little thing has shaped me into who I am today, and because of that I wouldn’t change a step.  Where I am now is a result of all of those things. Every last one. All of the people that I helped and people that I hurt.  All of the things I learned and trouble I made.  All of the people I kissed and the ones that I dissed. All of the people that harmed me and all of the people that helped me. Yup, every choice and moment has led me here.

It’s honestly amazing to me, how that young girl has become the woman I am today.  It’s amazing how her outlook has changed.

How she was once glass half full, then glass half empty, and back to glass half full. How she trusted in the good in people, felt everyone had an agenda, thought the world might end, that there was a master conspiracy, and that love heals all.  How she thought she wanted to be a photographic journalist, an economist, a financial planner, a business owner, a writer. How she wanted to be married with children, single and in the city, how she just wanted to be happy.  How she cared about others first, thinking that was selfless, only to learn she must care for herself first before she can properly care for others.  How she thought being a good friend was making others happy and later learned it’s about being authentic.

As you change, some friendships and relationships deepen and others fall by the wayside.  Some go quietly and some go with a fight. Some jobs change and other times you change your job. With all of the people that have come and gone, houses I have moved into and out of, jobs that have given me a paycheck and those that I have given my two weeks notice to, there is one resounding similarity: I could never have planned or predicted the change. At least not in the beginning.

While I am learning to accept the past and to be grateful for everything that has lead me to this moment, so too am I learning to invest less into what I think my future should hold or should be.  It will be what it will be.  What matters most is this moment.  Who I am now and who I am creating myself to be. This current version of Erin is no longer making life decisions based upon past circumstances or the things she envisions for her future, but rather from who she is today and how she would like the future to feel.

She would like the future to feel very much like it is today: filled with love, passion and purpose.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S.  This reflection comes one week before my 30th birthday.  This new decade seems to have my mind doing a review of the Shades… If you have any comments or feedback, please share!  xo

Writing for Personal Growth

Posted on by
8

This misserinterese blog serves me in many ways.  It began as a way for me to write more – whatever that meant. I was being called to write.  As if out of nowhere, I was bitten by the writing bug and I needed to have more of it.  It consumed me.  And like any great love, when you find it you want to share it and shout your love from the rooftop!  This particular love is a little more personal and left me open to criticism, but sharing it was worth it. I had to.  Whether people would say I had poor writing skills or that my ideas were ridiculous, I had to share them.  It could no longer be contained.  It was time.

I had tried keeping a journal before, but I was not very consistent with it and I tended to ramble on without much direction.  Essentially, it was word vomit on a page and usually when I read it again later, I would be embarrassed by my crude writing and dramatic stories.  This blog allows me to explore my emotions and aspects of life in a more structured format.  I take a bit more care in crafting my thoughts, my sentences and my stories knowing they will be read by others.  Rather than word vomit on the page of a journal, it becomes an article, a poem, a short essay explaining in detail each thought, idea and situation.  Each post comes from the heart and with great reflection and care poured into each word.  Since the blog is shared publicly and available for me to reread many times over, it is important for me that it represents me accurately – and it does.

writingWhy am I telling you this now?  It is at the request of one of my readers.  She asked me to write about why I journal/blog and what the benefits are for growth.

The benefits have been huge for me.  I have more self confidence and feel much more self aware.  When you are going to share your ideas with an audience, it really makes you dig deep to find your voice.  It is not a time to be timid or shy; it is a time to be authentic and vulnerable. My greatest posts and those that are most well-received are those that explore not only my strengths, but my weaknesses as well.  People want to know how to learn. How to better themselves.  How to take the mess of their thoughts, pick them up, dust them off and organize them into something beautiful.  We all struggle at times in our life.  Hell, most of us struggle with something on a daily basis.  The pressure to be perfect can make anyone feel as if they are losing their grip.  Reading other people’s stories and sharing my own, helps remind me that we are all in this together.  That we are here to learn from one another.  That my stories of overcoming hurt and heartbreak and learning to be mindful might be beneficial, not only to me, but to you as well.

Lastly, writing breathes life and meaning into the thoughts that dance their way through my head.  When I put pen to paper, or fingers on keyboard, I am able to take those thoughts and string them together into something that makes sense.  Something that reveals a little more about who I am and what I am learning.  Somewhere between the key strokes and punctuation marks, my voice finds its home.  My thoughts lay to rest and I am able to breathe easy knowing that I have explained myself fully.  And whether anyone else learns more about me, more about themselves or more about life in general, I have learned more about myself, and that is worth everything to me. The act of knowing thyself is ongoing; it’s a process we will continue until our last breath.  And every time I uncover another layer of myself and the depth to which I am capable of, it’s like unwrapping a gift. It’s just beautiful.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S.  Do you journal/blog and how has it helped you?