Author Archives: Erin Terese

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About Erin Terese

The views of others inspire me, intrigue me and propel me forward. Exploring this life, through words.

Avoid, Rinse, Repeat. – I am breaking the cycle.

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I struggle with when to stay and when to walk away in romantic relationships, friendships and even in my career.  This is a sensitive subject for me.  In order to discuss this and have any kind of opinion on the matter, I am going to be vulnerable and air my dirty laundry for all to read.  I don’t like this.

So here it goes…

I don’t think I really noticed how wounded I was until I started writing this blog.  I didn’t fully understand how strongly I hold my loved ones in my grasp.  I didn’t realize that some I would fight for endlessly and others I would let slip away as if they had meant nothing to me. To the outsider, it may seem haphazard – but there is surely a rhyme and definitely a reason.

The thing is, it is the same thing every time.  I will fight to save and help and encourage the people in my life.  To no end.  When they call, I am there. Even if it has been years, my heart beats for my loved ones.  I truly carry their heart in my heart.  This is true until this one thing happens.  Until I think that I might be left. If I fear that I may be at fault, have done any wrong and that I might be abandoned, I leave. I rewrite what has happened in my head and make it seem as if it was my choice to be drama free – when really I was guarding my heart.  And wounding it further along the way.

Same story, different boyfriend, lover, friend – every time. Avoid, Rinse, Repeat.

And yes, some of those relationships are better left where they lay.  It was a blessing.  But some could have been nurtured.  Some I could have taken the time to reach out again and listen with a patient heart.  I could have asked to hear what I had done, if anything, that lead to the growing canyon between us.  But my standard response was to speculate and write the story in my head. As if I knew. As if there was anyway I could really have known what happened.

My cowardice in confrontation has left me with lost friendships and lovers that perhaps could have been life-long friends or loves of my life, had I not been so fearful of their judgment.  Had my insecurities and childhood wounds not left me so fearful of being brokenhearted. And on the flip-side, I may not have even been their friend or lover had I not been seeking their approval in the first place.  Knowing this is a trip.

What I have learned from all of my writing, the endless hours dissecting my thoughts, and countless hours learning to quite my mind, is the truth. The essence of me. (And I know many of you are going to relate to this) I have a large heart.  A big one.  I could fill a football stadium with my loved ones. I would fly around the world and scale the highest mountain to help any one of those dear ones.  But have I always given myself that same amount of love and dedication?  Sadly, I have not.  Not until now.

nurture

Now I am going to fight to save and help and encourage myself in this life.  This means that I will lean into the discomfort of conversations to find the truth.  I will no longer walk away when things get scary, I will stay and talk them through and hug everyone on the way out – whether it is for the last time or if I will see them bright and early the next morning.

I am giving up on the idea of never.  The idea that you have to even walk away. It doesn’t have to be a forever goodbye, slam the door in your face and never hear from you again.  It can be a “So long my friend, I wish you the best.  I love you.  Until will meet again”.  Because guess what?  Life is short.  It is crazy.  There are twists and turns and chapters we can never imagine. Leading characters may fade into the back, and supporting characters may swoop in and save the day.

You never know.

To assume and wonder and speculate does no one any good.  Ask for your answer.  Hear it with an open heart.  If you do not get an answer, then do your best to release it and bless it on the way out – “until we meet again”.  Or at least that is my plan.  Instead of “Avoid, Rinse, Repeat” it is “Love, Nurture, Forgive”.

Yours truly,

Miss Erin Terese

It’s Okay to be Sad Sometimes

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It’s okay to be sad sometimes.  It’s okay to feel the weight of things.  It’s okay to cry and ask for time alone.  It’s okay to feel hurt and betrayed and wounded. It is.

It may not feel good, or you may feel foolish about your weighty emotions, but when they arise it is important you acknowledge their presence.  These moments of despair and loss and sadness reveal what is important to you.  What makes you tick.  Who you are, where you have come from and what you have learned.

Whether this bout of sadness is grounded in a break-up, an illness, a death, a job loss, a bankruptcy or a mistake you have made, the feelings are valid.  Even if you cannot place the reason for your sadness, it still needs to be addressed.  Nursed.  Tended to.  Loved and  cared for with kindness and patience.  When you find yourself in these moments, you need allow the feelings to be, address them, and then dig into your bag of tricks and exercise the things that help you heal and reset.

We all have them: the cure-alls.  Not the glass of wine, cigar, romp in the sheets or fist fight you might be yearning for – but the real medicine.

The moment alone.  The walk in the park.  The deep breaths.  The nap.  The tall glass of water.  The talk with a friend or words in your journal.  The tears on your pillow or tea in your cup. The coins tossed in the homeless person’s hat or hand on the weeping woman’s back. The gratitude and forgiveness. The prayer or plea or pause for reflection.  The gentleness with yourself.  This is the real medicine.  The real cure.

Sadness

When you take a moment to still your mind and ask yourself what you really need, the answer presents itself.  The answer always lies within.  We forget this sometimes.  And sometimes we see the answer and because we don’t like it, we push it aside. We need to take the time to address what ails us and to sit with it.  To understand it.  To heal it and forgive what needs forgiving.  To love it and feel gratitude for all that we have and for the opportunity to change and grow.

The important thing is that we take these moments as a lesson.  A lesson in learning more about who we are and how to love ourselves more kindly, with the gentleness and care that we deserve.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S.  How do you care for yourself in times of sadness?

Reconciling the Past, Present and Future Self

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The journey of life sure is an interesting one, packed with twists and turns, flips, back flips, and quite a few head-spins.  One of the things I find most interesting is how much we change, how frequently we change, and how difficult is seems to reconcile the many versions of ourselves.  Maybe some of you fit in a pretty little box that never changes, but I am more like a hermit crab constantly finding a new shell.  I am Fifty Shades of Erin.

hermit crab

There are things in my past I would never want to repeat and things that I am not proud of; but I do know that every little thing has shaped me into who I am today, and because of that I wouldn’t change a step.  Where I am now is a result of all of those things. Every last one. All of the people that I helped and people that I hurt.  All of the things I learned and trouble I made.  All of the people I kissed and the ones that I dissed. All of the people that harmed me and all of the people that helped me. Yup, every choice and moment has led me here.

It’s honestly amazing to me, how that young girl has become the woman I am today.  It’s amazing how her outlook has changed.

How she was once glass half full, then glass half empty, and back to glass half full. How she trusted in the good in people, felt everyone had an agenda, thought the world might end, that there was a master conspiracy, and that love heals all.  How she thought she wanted to be a photographic journalist, an economist, a financial planner, a business owner, a writer. How she wanted to be married with children, single and in the city, how she just wanted to be happy.  How she cared about others first, thinking that was selfless, only to learn she must care for herself first before she can properly care for others.  How she thought being a good friend was making others happy and later learned it’s about being authentic.

As you change, some friendships and relationships deepen and others fall by the wayside.  Some go quietly and some go with a fight. Some jobs change and other times you change your job. With all of the people that have come and gone, houses I have moved into and out of, jobs that have given me a paycheck and those that I have given my two weeks notice to, there is one resounding similarity: I could never have planned or predicted the change. At least not in the beginning.

While I am learning to accept the past and to be grateful for everything that has lead me to this moment, so too am I learning to invest less into what I think my future should hold or should be.  It will be what it will be.  What matters most is this moment.  Who I am now and who I am creating myself to be. This current version of Erin is no longer making life decisions based upon past circumstances or the things she envisions for her future, but rather from who she is today and how she would like the future to feel.

She would like the future to feel very much like it is today: filled with love, passion and purpose.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S.  This reflection comes one week before my 30th birthday.  This new decade seems to have my mind doing a review of the Shades… If you have any comments or feedback, please share!  xo

Writing for Personal Growth

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This misserinterese blog serves me in many ways.  It began as a way for me to write more – whatever that meant. I was being called to write.  As if out of nowhere, I was bitten by the writing bug and I needed to have more of it.  It consumed me.  And like any great love, when you find it you want to share it and shout your love from the rooftop!  This particular love is a little more personal and left me open to criticism, but sharing it was worth it. I had to.  Whether people would say I had poor writing skills or that my ideas were ridiculous, I had to share them.  It could no longer be contained.  It was time.

I had tried keeping a journal before, but I was not very consistent with it and I tended to ramble on without much direction.  Essentially, it was word vomit on a page and usually when I read it again later, I would be embarrassed by my crude writing and dramatic stories.  This blog allows me to explore my emotions and aspects of life in a more structured format.  I take a bit more care in crafting my thoughts, my sentences and my stories knowing they will be read by others.  Rather than word vomit on the page of a journal, it becomes an article, a poem, a short essay explaining in detail each thought, idea and situation.  Each post comes from the heart and with great reflection and care poured into each word.  Since the blog is shared publicly and available for me to reread many times over, it is important for me that it represents me accurately – and it does.

writingWhy am I telling you this now?  It is at the request of one of my readers.  She asked me to write about why I journal/blog and what the benefits are for growth.

The benefits have been huge for me.  I have more self confidence and feel much more self aware.  When you are going to share your ideas with an audience, it really makes you dig deep to find your voice.  It is not a time to be timid or shy; it is a time to be authentic and vulnerable. My greatest posts and those that are most well-received are those that explore not only my strengths, but my weaknesses as well.  People want to know how to learn. How to better themselves.  How to take the mess of their thoughts, pick them up, dust them off and organize them into something beautiful.  We all struggle at times in our life.  Hell, most of us struggle with something on a daily basis.  The pressure to be perfect can make anyone feel as if they are losing their grip.  Reading other people’s stories and sharing my own, helps remind me that we are all in this together.  That we are here to learn from one another.  That my stories of overcoming hurt and heartbreak and learning to be mindful might be beneficial, not only to me, but to you as well.

Lastly, writing breathes life and meaning into the thoughts that dance their way through my head.  When I put pen to paper, or fingers on keyboard, I am able to take those thoughts and string them together into something that makes sense.  Something that reveals a little more about who I am and what I am learning.  Somewhere between the key strokes and punctuation marks, my voice finds its home.  My thoughts lay to rest and I am able to breathe easy knowing that I have explained myself fully.  And whether anyone else learns more about me, more about themselves or more about life in general, I have learned more about myself, and that is worth everything to me. The act of knowing thyself is ongoing; it’s a process we will continue until our last breath.  And every time I uncover another layer of myself and the depth to which I am capable of, it’s like unwrapping a gift. It’s just beautiful.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S.  Do you journal/blog and how has it helped you?

Paperback or eReader? That is the Question.

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The fact that you are reading this is proof of how you would answer “To read, or not to read? That is the question”.  In an age where most people turn to video for stories and news, we still turn to written word.  And I can also wager you read quite a bit online since you are reading this blog.  But how do you prefer to read the books you buy?  Paperback or eReader?

The environmentalist in me wants so badly to love the ever-so-popular eReader.  Why can’t I just be happy sitting on the subway with my Kindle or reading in the cafe on my Tablet?  I suppose it is because I am a romantic.  There is something about turning the pages that excites me.  Feeling the paper in my hand, unable to see the words that come next.  The seconds feel like minutes as the page moves from right to left, letting out the scent of dust and time in the turn. It just is not the same with the scroll on a screen.

My favorite books have coffee spills and corners turned down.  Highlighted words and notes in the margin. Pen marks and business cards for bookmarks.  The scent and markings of each book becomes as much of a joy as the words within the binding.  The memories of reading the book are not only stored in the corners of my mind, but are evident in the scars and battle-wounds etched into the paper. Raindrop damage from when it shielded me as I dashed to my car during the downpour. Bite marks on the corner left by my scruffy nephew Molson when I was his caretaker and dog walker.  Proof of our time together. Love bites.  Does he too love David Brown adventure novels, or was he trying to play fetch?

paperback

Yes, I know there are apps and add-ons to make notes and mark pages.  But it is not the same as when it is done by hand.  With ink that smears and lines that curve.  Misspellings and markings made in error.  Evidence. Proof of where I was when I read it – mentally and physically.  For me there is love in those pages.  Love of life.  Love of words.  Breaths of anticipation and spills (literally) of excitement.

To me, there is no contest.  There is no doubt that I would choose the weight and heaviness of the Paperback every time.  Yes, I can see the allure of carrying hundreds of books on one small device that slips easily into my purse.  But it doesn’t make my heart dance and sing when it catches a glimpse of it.  The color doesn’t grab my eye and steal my attention.  It doesn’t make me want to curl up on the couch and spend a rainy afternoon flipping pages and turning down corners. Only Mr. Paperback does that to me.  And to him I will remain loyal.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S.  Thank you Weekly Writing Challenge for the prompt.

So Here It Is. The Moment.

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moment

The moment is now.  Always, the now.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

Following Your Happy

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I remember a time when it was difficult just to make it through the day.  When I would wake up, dreading the day ahead of me, barely able to put myself together and make it to work.  I’d be sitting at my desk, choking back tears and trying just to breathe through the moment.  Just to make it.  Trying not to fall to pieces and leap out of my skin. Not to crawl into a cave and hide away from the realty of the pain.  I remember those days.  I rarely think of them now, but I will always remember what it was like to live in that kind of existence.  The walls and loneliness and guilt and despair.  The hurt and anger, regret and disbelief.

I am so grateful those days are gone.

It’s almost hard to believe that was me.  That was my life.  That was my pain and my prison of emotion. I remember wondering and hoping and wishing I could break free and breathe easy again.  But never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would find this kind of peace and happiness in my life. That it was even possible to feel so content and so at ease in my own skin. To feel so loved and so supported and so fulfilled.  I never imagined that as a single woman turning 30 with an old beat-down car and shoes that need mending, I would feel so blessed.  That I would be able to see beauty in every day and every thing that crosses my path.  I never knew it could be like that.  I never knew that kind of love.

It began by wanting more.  Being sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  Not wanting to cry and feel defeated.  Wanting to feel happy.  Wanting to know what made me happy.  Wanting to know that happy was possible.  It began by following my happy.  That was my first step out. My first grasp at the light and a world that was more possible that not.  Following my happy.  It seems so simple really, and yet it was, for me, the biggest leap of faith.  How could following my happy really help?  Isn’t it self indulgent to chase after happiness?  Yes.  And what better than to indulge yourself in happiness.  What a beautiful act of self care and self love.

Yes, that is me skipping toward the water!

Yes, that is me skipping toward the water!

Instead of staying home and eating ice cream on the couch with a glass of red wine and a horror flick, I called a girlfriend and we went on a walk.  Or out for a glass of wine.  Or to see a band.  Or to a movie.  I started saying yes.  F$ck it, I had to try new things.  Maybe I would like it!  Maybe it would make me happy.  Maybe it would give me hope and inspiration and help me figure out what I wanted.  Maybe if I said yes and went to every concert and cooking class and drum circle.  If I went to every symphony and art opening and karaoke night.  If I just said yes when I was invited and pushed my comfort zone.  Maybe there was more beyond the walls I built for myself and safety net of friends and hobbies I had built.  And there was.  And so much more.

To write about it all would be a novel in and of itself.  But I can tell you one thing that is so incredibly true:  the state of peace and serenity I now live in all began by wanting more.  By making the choice to follow my happy.  To follow the laughter and the smiles and the things that make my heart dance.  To embrace those moments and seek them out. To cherish them, to share them and to hold them in my heart.  To make those moments the ones I carry with me forever.

How about you?  What has helped you live a life filled with passion and purpose?

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

The Language of Intent

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We live in an age of great technological advancement.  Every year brings a new smart phone, a new application, website and quicker means of communication.  I Skype with my parents back in Wisconsin to see the snow and hear how the Packers are doing. FaceTime with my friend in Texas to see the view from her rooftop deck. Text with the men I meet to line up dates. Talk on the phone with my Grandmother. Write letters via snail mail with my sister. Email with my coworkers and friends. Tag my friends on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Stay in touch via Pinterest and Tumblr.  Oh and I talk to these people in person.  With so many means of communication, is it any wonder why there is such great miscommunication?

How often do we feel alienated by a post we see or a text we receive?  How regularly do we misinterpret an email or text and assume it said one thing, when the intention was really something else?  How often is something we wrote in good-fun or humor taken seriously or with offense?  How often is our silence or non-response taken as an insult?  I’m guessing there is some head nodding, eye rolling, or sighs of agreement going on as you read this. Am I right?

There is something that unites us all.  A language that is spoken in every corner of the world. A universal language. The Language of Intent.

Behind every spoken word, text sent, picture shared, high-five given, hug squeezed, or letter mailed, there is an intention.  A meaning.  A purpose.  A feeling felt and a feeling meant to be expressed (not always the same).  With all of this going on, of course we experience confusion! We are wading through the words and images, through the smiles and sounds, to find the truth.  The authentic message.  The intent behind the exchange.  So often, the intent does not match the words or presentation – thereby causing more confusion.  We are in such a rush to “express ourselves” and “fix” the situation, that communication is often sent abruptly and without proper care and attention to timing.

It is really best to take a moment, focus your feelings and intent before moving forward.  What are you trying to express?  Are you trying to share, help or confront?  Are you looking for resolution, an apology or are you just looking to vent?  Be clear in your mind before you move forward.  Seek the answers within your soul and see what your true intent is.  Is it for you or the person you are addressing?  And with that intent in mind, which mean of communication is best?  Is it truly urgent or can it wait?

This unspoken language is seen in many forms, but we feel it and know it best in our gut.  Our intuition. 

Knowing that this universal language flows through the undercurrent of every exchange, what if we all took a moment to set our intent before moving forward?  If we were to do this, would we communicate more effectively?  I really do think that understanding your intent and becoming clear on the intent of those you are communicating with, is the best way for everyone to be understood.  For exchanges to be truthful.  For voices to be truly heard and an authentic moment to be had.

language of intent

What do you think?

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

I Vow To Hold You In My Heart

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Nothing is coincidence, I know this to be true. Each step and breath and instinct, has lead me straight to you. Already we have grown and changed, and loved and learned and saw. The greatest moments we create, when no effort is placed at all. Within your arms I build my home, and there I will reside. And should I ever lose my way, your eyes will be my guide. On this great day and each to come, I vow, my dear, to you. To love and cherish everything, that flows through all you do. I choose you as my friend and partner, lover, constant guide. I vow to hold you in my heart and to these truths abide.

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marriage vow

*This was written for a very dear friend of mine. May she have a lovely wedding and a lifetime of love.

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

Why Starting Over is a Good Thing

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There are many ways to view starting over. It may seem daunting, overwhelming, exciting or exhilarating. In truth, the concept of starting over generally brings about anxiety in most people. It implies scrapping all that has occurred and starting from the beginning – insinuating that all work up to this moment is null, void or a waste of time. I’d like to re-frame the idea of starting over as a rebirth. A new opportunity. A chance to create, start fresh and begin anew. An opportunity to reflect upon the past, gather all that you have learned and apply your new self and ideals to this endeavor. If you were to think about it that way, wouldn’t your new approach yield a result much more spectacular than before?

Starting over in your career, relationships or hobbies can feel frustrating at times – but it may be what is absolutely necessary. Presenting your authentic self to the world is one of the most important pieces of this puzzle called life. In order to lead a life filled with love, passion and purpose, we must feed our soul. And what feeds our soul? That which speaks to our authentic self. If we are in a career, relationship or partaking in a hobby that does not align with our authentic self, we most likely are not receiving the nourishing love and energy that feeds our soul. Starting over in a way that represents your true self allows the space for you to thrive. Beginning anew and starting fresh from a place of pure intent allows the world to recognize your authentic self and to respond accordingly. Moving forward carrying a renewed sense of purpose will open doors that have not been opened before. Paths will illuminate and guide you on your new course.

C

Starting over is not something that should be feared. It is something that should be embraced. Welcomed. Cherished. Creation is the ultimate source of life and all that exists. Any chance we have to create should be appreciated and accepted with gratitude.

How will you create the world in which you live?

Yours truly,

Erin Terese

P.S. Inspired by the Daily Post Writing Challenge: Starting Over